Love + Dating, personal, writing
Published on June 22, 2017
Comments 16

Episode 9 Online dating: How I had a tantrum, but found a kitten

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This starts with scones for morning tea. An innocent trigger, exploding into a phone fight across 1600kms, as two feisty, stubborn women clash values.

“You want space to process? Have the entire state of Victoria then! I am NOT going to text first” rants my inner Grumpy Avoidant dwarf in silence.

Arms folded. Hackles up. Snarling. Feel sick though, down in the pit of my stomach. I know this isn’t right or healthy.

Ring my dear friend R; launch myself into the story of the fight, feeling myself getting crosser, yet sadder.

‘Why don’t you have a tantrum about this, and see what lies beneath?’ she says. ‘You know, dance round the living room, thrash a pillow, see what you find?’

OK, I can do that. And I know the perfect song: Fatboy Slim ‘What the Fuck’ 

So I’m 50, and flailing arms, legs, head, like a toddler. I’m shaking out my brain, belly, butt, and bile. I fall to my knees, and pummel the couch. I’m spoilt, selfish, silly, and acting out all of it. What the hell. Nothing to lose; I feel terrible anyway.

The 5 minutes passes. I’m panting, sweating, released. What lies beneath indeed?

I write:

“I feel angry with you for being so sensitive. I feel angry with myself for being so insensitive, and hurting you.

I’m angry that we’re not communicating, which feels to me like I’m being punished.

This morning, driving in the rain, I wondered, for the first time ever, if this relationship was too hard/too distant/not worth it.

I hated that.

I wondered if you were thinking the same thing. If you were going to dump me.

I was terrified. And I hated that.

But my Avoidant was up & cheering, marching off into the next new sunset with anyone easier/lighter/closer. 

I hated that (although it did feel horribly comforting). And I especially fucken hated that.So now I’m Here.

Feeling sad. Abandoned. Rejected for making a stupid mistake.

Love & Connection being withheld.

I hate that.

Yet I’m totally doing it too.

Wail & howl. Hang my head in shame & sorrow. Feel dumb. Careless. Sad.

I’m tired. Slept so shit.

Feel soft soft vulnerable scared… 

“I don’t want to lose this love” whispers my heart.

“I don’t want to fuck this up. I’m so dumb, insensitive, clumsy, defensive.”

I’m angry neither of us has better models & skills to navigate these trying times more easily.

I’m scared of losing our fragile, precious, incredible connection.

I’m wondering what to do to make it all better? The over-anxious child, wanting to ‘fix things’- to get it ‘right’.

To not fail.

To not cause pain to the one I love, even if they’ve also lashed out and hurt me.

To understand. To understand us both.

To be kind. To be kind to us both.

To Love. To Love us both.

To soften and open and lean into Love.

To say ‘I’m sorry. I fucked up. I hurt you. I didn’t mean to. I see your pain. Forgive me.’

To soften. To open.

To give a defeated shrug of my shoulders, and ask ‘Can we just let it go?’

That’s what I found inside me, curled up scared like a near-drowned kitten, shivering and cold, looking for a safe place that feels like Home.”

 

It’s 2 days before our 6 month ‘anniversary’ of first meeting HERE. Are we going to make it any further?

 

16 Comments

  1. Piglet in Portugal says

    Wow, that was one dummy-spit! It must be catching because I was also having one this morning over something quite trivial. Your DS pales mine into insignificance. Hope everything works out for you.

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    • bone&silver says

      Thank you! You’re about the 5th person to tell me they did a similar thing, including my friend R who gave me the tantrum advice in the first place! It must be in the planets… thanks for your good wishes, & good luck with yours too 😐

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        • bone&silver says

          Honesty can be hurtful or painful though… that’s the hardest part to give or receive I reckon. The truth can burn. But ultimately, I completely agree with you. I’m going to write the update today hopefully (there probably needs to be several). Thanks again ❤

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  5. Widdershins says

    Mrs Widds and I met online. I was in OZ and she here in Canada. The one thing I committed myself to before I started online dating, with anyone, was that I would only give what I was prepared to lose. Which meant, of course, I did a lot of spirit-searching before I even launched my Self into the interwebz.
    It worked out in the end though. We’ve been happily married for 13 years come this September, and still going strong.
    May it work out for you too. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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    • bone&silver says

      Oh wow, that’s awesome to hear! That’s quite amazing… you must have been a very early adopter of online dating- I’d love to hear more- and how inspiring that you’re still happily together…

      I am hoping to do an update today or tomorrow- there have been texts, an email, apologies, and last night a phone chat. Distance is hard though (but 9 more sleeps now till the next visit, so that’s very timely). Thank you for reading & commenting, G

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  6. ForgivingConnects says

    I love love love this. So real, authentic, and self-honoring. To me, these are keys in relationship – starts with just saying what’s so and accepting and loving yourself!!

    I’d be honored if you want to contribute this for Forgiving Fridays. As a reminder, all you need to do to participate is add a pingback to my Forgiving Fridays post plus include #ForgivingFridays in your tags. Here’s my most recent post for the pingback if helpful: https://forgivingconnects.com/2017/06/23/todays-forgiving-fridays-taking-a-leap-of-faith/

    Sending you so many blessings. Hope you are doing ok and have a blessed and healing weekend. ❤ Feel free to be in touch! ~Debbie

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