humor, personal
Published on September 26, 2017
Comments 23

I just spent 30 mins fighting with my smartphone, & met an Elf

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The Scene: Palm trees swaying, blue sky shining, ridiculous rainbow-coloured birds squawking, plus me, dozing in bed in Australia, in that moment before being fully conscious.

Me: Mmmmmmmm, I think I’m awake.

Evil Elf Who Lives In My Brain And Synced To My Smartphone (now known as EVIE): What time is it? Better check your phone.

Me: Nah, today’s Sunday, and I’m having a tech-free morning.

EVIE: What!? When did you decide that?? Dumb idea. Just check your phone.

Me: No. I’m simply going to lie here, listening to the birds.

PAUSE

EVIE: How hot d’you reckon it is? Maybe you should check the weather app?

Me: NO.

PAUSE

EVIE: Maybe you got a late text from ’17’, and he needs picking up soon? Or what if ‘H’ sent something romantic/sexy first thing?

Me: True. But they’ll still be there after I’ve had a pot of peppermint tea and meditated. I just want a peaceful tech-free hour.

EVIE: An hour! But… but… don’t you need to check your WordPress stats?

Me: Nah. It’s Sunday, and I want to practise ‘letting go’ of being attached to numbers.

PAUSE

EVIE: It’s nice lying in bed reading all the latest blog posts though isn’t it? We could just do that for a while. You know, touch base with our blogging community…

Me: Yeah, but I do that every morning; I want to create a new habit one day a week.

EVIE: BUT WHY??? Think about what you’re missing out on! You’re not gonna have time to check them later, so you’re gonna have to skip the most amazing posts EVER, and then you won’t know what’s going on with everyone any more, which means they’ll lose interest in YOUR blog of course cos they’ll think you don’t really care…

Me: [*sighing] Shut up EVIE. I just want to drink tea, meditate, and stroke the cat.

LONG PAUSE

 

EVIE: What if Krista’s put you on ‘Discover’ for that great post you did last week? You might have 500 new Followers.

Me: Haha, I doubt it. One day maybe, but not yet. Now, I’m bringing my tea back to bed…

EVIE: What if that volcano in Bali erupted? Or Trump has fired at North Korea? Shouldn’t you check in with the rest of Society, instead of staying ignorant? You can’t sip tea while the world ends!

Me: [*sighing] Well I’ll find out soon enough won’t I? I need to meditate first.

PAUSE

EVIE: Don’t you need your phone for that? You know, so you can set the timer and do it properly? It would be SO EASY to flick it off Airplane mode first, and have a quick look at everything… #justsayin’.

Me: SHUT UP! This has gone on too long EVIE. I’m NOT going to check my phone OK? Just deal with it. I’m going to relax, relish my tea, and look out the window; then I’m meditating for 20 minutes…

LONG PAUSE

palms

 

EVIE: Meditation huh? When you try NOT to think about things…

… Things like smartphones and texts from your lover and how your son is doing and how hot it’s going to be today and if the world is going to end and what can you do about the damn Patriarchy and why is your neck feeling a bit sore is it too much work on the computer and how hard is it to just relax and be ‘in the moment’ and do you think you’re addicted to the dopamine that comes from using social media and how fucked is that but everyone’s doing it so it’s the only way to stay in touch nowadays and letters take 2 weeks to get delivered sometimes even to Melbourne and how did anyone do ANYTHING before we had the Internet and this will be good to write about on my blog won’t it cos it’s kinda funny yet sadly true and readers will hopefully relate and maybe I should check my stats as soon as I finish cos that last post was pretty good and what should I call the voice in my brain let’s go over a few possible titles and remember that Russell Brand comedy sketch where he had the voice of an Evil Elf in his head it was so funny and you used to do the voice in the car with ’17’ except he was about ’12’ then wasn’t he that’s probably perfect because goddamn it’s annoying, corrupting, and totally EVIL…

 

Bwahahahaha!

 

See you soon gabrielle, real soon. Love, EVIE xxx

 

23 Comments

  1. Matt Berger says

    My favorite line: “I want to practise ‘letting go’ of being attached to numbers.” As a self-styled “data geek,” I shudder to think what would happen if I ever did that. 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

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  6. Trace-Blogs says

    This might sound weird but I thought of you last night because I taught my son to cook something! If you have all these followers without being on Discover, you are friggin amazing. Love this post…how did you get into my brain?! 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply
    • bone&silver says

      Oh I think this is my fav comment ever!! Not because of the compliment re my blog (😊), but because you took the extra time & effort to connect with your son over food ❤. That thrills me! What did you make? And did it take twice as long 😘

      Liked by 2 people

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      • Trace-Blogs says

        Ha ha that makes me happy 🙂 It was a cheat’s satay chicken but I want to show him how easy it is to throw a few things together for himself rather than buy take away. And he cooked the rice to perfection!

        Liked by 3 people

        Reply
        • bone&silver says

          That is so awesome, congrats to the two of you. I knew you could do it : ) . When my son cooks a simple pasta sauce, or veggies and rice, I tell him ‘Your housemates in the future are going to love you, then so will your girlfriend, then so will your wife…’ ; )

          Liked by 2 people

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  7. Jad says

    So relate-able!!
    I just had interstate visitors and we did some touristy things, she took a photo of the band at a bar we were at and when she posted it on Facebook she said if you zoom in on all the people in the audience most of them are on their phones….It was true!!

    Liked by 4 people

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