Love + Dating, personal
Comments 10

Bustin’ through a break-up with some badass Buddhism, Part One

boneAndsilver_frog1Three weeks in, and how am I going you wonder? I’m doing OK actually. Definitely avoiding going out, and ringing old friends for long chats and debriefs, trying not to say the same things over and over.

I’ve had two therapy sessions, done a bunch of journalling, and surprised myself two weekends ago by ‘getting onto the cushion’ at my monthly meditation day.

“The cushion”, G? What do you mean?

Well, once a month (via Zoom at the moment), a group of 25-35 women go spend some time with Yoda Carol Perry, listening to her teachings on the Buddhist Dharma, and meditating several times during the day.

It’s literally the highlight of my month; I’ve written about it before HERE.

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Even via Zoom- and sitting in my car last time because I had no wifi reception at home- the collective meditation experience is so much stronger than my solo sits.

The structure online is 3 hours shorter, and we miss our gloriously chatty shared gourmet lunch, but in essence it’s the same: Welcome circle/check in, meditate, teachings, meditate, Enquiry, meditate, closing/check out.

What is Enquiry? 3 or 4 women each spend 10 minutes sitting on a cushion facing Yoda Carol, delving more deeply into an issue in a 1: 1 format. But witnessed by the whole group, who try to practice ‘attentive listening’.

It generally involves relationship troubles, and tears.

So yes, I was ‘normal’ that day.

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I certainly didn’t plan to speak; in fact, even though I’m officially ‘a performer’, I generally keep a low profile in groups, and prefer not to be in the spotlight…

But during the long pause between one woman leaving the cushion, and Yoda Carol extending the invitation for another to arrive, I found myself squirming and sweating, wondering if I should unmute my microphone…

Someone else chimed up though, so I relaxed back into my seat, relieved at my luck.

Until the next invite, and the next pause, which went on FOREVER.

On and on. While my silly brain span around about what to say, or what to reveal, madly planning how to do the Enquiry without REALLY doing the Enquiry.

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Then almost before I knew it, I’d clicked on the microphone symbol, and said Hi.

*Gulp

I quickly told the story, waving my hands around for emphasis, scuttling over the painful bits, dying to get to the end. Or dying to get to some point where Carol would soothe me.

She waited till I stopped blabbing, then just told me to breathe. And breathe again. Then find the source of tension in my body, and move into the edges of it.

What did I find?

Part Two to follow…

In gratitude for anticipation & frogs (symbol of transformation),Β  G xO

 

10 Comments

  1. I know that feeling so well. My introvert brain battles with my need to speak, be heard and hear feedback or advice. I always feel proud that I spoke up though, and was brave. I’m glad you’re getting through this G. Looking forward to part 2!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I don’t know if you need to do a part two. In my opinion I think it is immensely helpful to others in addition to yourself by opening up in that situation. Men especially in my opinion do not talk about what they are thinking, it takes another man to open up first, or maybe more than one. If men or women want to be closer, it takes a risk of being transparent or less opaque. Since we can’t read thoughts, it takes some bravery and you showed that. You may have helped someone else to be more open next time. Bless you for plunging in. – David

    Liked by 1 person

    • You are very kind! Yes, I did actually get two comments from fellow participants that they found my session helpful, so that made it worthwhile 😊
      It’s not easy to be vulnerable, especially sadly for men in our established western culture, but it’s changing slowly… πŸ™πŸΌπŸ’§

      Liked by 1 person

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