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How a silent walk made me delete the Candy Crush app (Part One)

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Admit it: do you have a game on your phone you love unwinding with? Scrabble with friends? Chess? Candy Crush?

A few years ago- I can’t remember why- my son and I both downloaded Candy Crush, and became a little competitive. Of course, he streaked ahead in levels, then quickly bored of it and never played again.

I stoically continued, and got myself slowly but surely up to Level 691.

Then 2 months ago, I had to get a new phone… and somehow, all my apps froze as I transferred the old info, so I found myself back at the beginning of the Candy Crush map again.

What’s all this got to do with a silent walk you wonder?

Well, last month I had the privilege of going on a 9-day Yatra, which is a Buddhist-based bushwalking adventure, filled with daily meditations, talks on Buddhist philosophies and practices, plus walks and meals in ‘noble silence’.

Farewell candy Crush map, I’ll miss you

30 of us (mainly aged over 50) travelled to the South Coast of Sydney, which had been ravaged by bushfires last year- remember those scenes of whole townships huddled on the beach in eerie orange smoke? That’s where we went. The incredible Australian bush is reviving though, with green epicormic growth sprouting everywhere (it means ‘leaves growing from the trunk’, and I’m just showing off ‘cos it’s a new word I’ve learnt).

We hiked along the coastline, through the National Park, camping for 2 nights in each spot- and the best part for me was that our heavy packs with tents were transported for us, so all we had to carry were our day packs with water and lunch!

So civilised.

We were woken at 6.30 with a bell, then meditated from 7-7.45. Brekky was porridge with multiple toppings, then either more meditating before the day’s walk, or packing up camp before we set off.

So good.

The walks varied from 10-20kms/day, and were always in silence.

So why am I posting pictures of a phone app, not glorious wild scenery?

Because I realised how often I tuned out of my surroundings at home, sitting on the couch or verandah, yet miles away from reality on Facebook or sometimes Candy Crush.

I don’t think I have a serious phone addiction at all, yet still it tugs me away from the Here and Now, every single day.

So I decided to REALLY try and curb my mindless use of it, which meant “See Ya Later CC”.

And I regret nothing. Which is the most important thing.

Six weeks later I am still happily meditating regularly, and can drop into ‘the zone’ more quickly than ever before. I feel like I expanded my brain muscle somehow, and my stamina for sitting quietly built up on the Yatra from 20 minutes to 45.

I wish I’d stuck to this when I first learnt it at age 25! I’d be levitating by now…

*sighs

Anyway: at least I’m no longer wasting my life on a stupid phone game full of pretty moving shapes and quirky sounds…

*sighs again

How about you? Do you meditate? Have you tried, failed or succeeded? And are you a Candy Crusher?

My next post will contain more scenery photos I promise- here’s 3 to tempt you back:

With gratitude for the discipline of breathing, G xO

Why my obsession with this spoon is re-wiring my brain

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Who knew spoon carving was so fun & satisfying for the over 50s
This is how the magic begins: with a ‘spoon blank’ machine cut by my teacher Sophie.

Hi Everyone, from cool Autumn days in Australia that make it worth putting up with the dreadful heat of summer.

How are you all? I keep finding myself sitting on my deck, surrounded by the rainforest, staring at this spoon. Not just staring: stroking, smelling, turning and touching.

Is it a magic spoon you ask? Well yes, in some ways it is.

Because I carved it, from White Beech.

OK, so for some of you ‘handy/crafty’ folks, this may not seem like a big deal. Or for those of you who know that spoon-carving is a bit of a ‘hipster’ fad at the moment, perhaps you’re rolling your eyes?

But I don’t care. Because I’m the girl who hated sewing at school; who wasn’t allowed to do woodwork classes (because of being a girl), and who has spent 5 decades baulking at using tools/drills/saws because of an assumed ‘hopelessness’ with them.

My first ever spoon, June 2020

How did this change happen? It was my darling cousin’s idea:

“Try this workshop with me G, it will be fun, and a bonding experience- only $140.“

It has literally changed my life.

I was fast hooked, because our teacher Sophie was kind, fun, patient, positive, and very knowledgeable. She teaches complete beginners all the time, so knows exactly how to make nervous carvers feel at home.

It soon became a meditation practice: gouging out the bowl with chisel at the exact angle to peel the wood like firm butter.

So satisfying.

Slowly but surely, I persevered at home alone. I ordered tools online, and of course COVID restrictions meant that staying in, carving quietly, was a great entertainment option.

Spiral spoon-carving for beginners
Starting to take its spiral shape… so exciting

My Instagram feed quickly filled with spoony images, and there are a million clips to watch on YouTube if you’re addicted.

But one thing intrigued me: the wooden spiral.

How does it happen??

By now, I’d carved 4 or 5 spoons, cautiously following the wood’s whisper to reveal its shape.

I sent a Red Cedar one to my dear friend in Adelaide, and spent many hours dealing with a very hard (well-named) Iron Bark spoon for my new love, to mark our 6 months of dating… soaking it in water to make it soften, then blunting all my tools as I tried to shape it.

It reminded me of the new relationship: we slowly explore, finding the knots in ourselves and the other, forming a new bond or shape. It can be hard work, and of course, utterly joyful along the way. And full of imperfections 🙂

But back to my spiral obsession… my teacher offered another class, on ‘advanced carving’, and I dared myself to go. I was so excited, and my delight was well-founded, because in only 5 hours, I made this:

Spoon carving for over 50s- so fun!
Nearly done! The final sanding and smoothing is very satisfying

It’s White Beech, easy to carve. There were 5 students including me, and every spoon spiral looked so different. I brought it home to spend more hours working on it; slipping sometimes, nearly cutting myself; learning how to sharpen my knife (a whole other world of learning!), and most importantly, RE-WIRING MY BRAIN.

The 55-yr old brain who thought she was no good with tools.

Who thought she wasn’t practical enough, or creative enough.

Who thought she would make too many mistakes, or cut herself.

Who thought it would just be too hard for her.

Who thought it was simply a gift she didn’t have, and couldn’t learn.

Spoon carving has rewired my brain for success over 50
Oiled & done. I have never felt so proud of any handiwork before ever

Everyone I’ve showed it to, including my son and his cool friends, have marvelled at it. And I’m still delighting in that.

As I was carving, I realised it was the perfect gift for my soulmate sister who is turning 50 this year, so I posted it last week (I really hope she’s too busy to read my blog this month!)

What have you wanted to try but didn’t dare? What secret crafty skill beckons you?

Please please do it, and blog about it- let us delight with you.

In huge gratitude for good teachers, courage, and sharp knives, G xO

15 weeks since the car crash- how am I doing? Pretty great!

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December 3 2020 was a bad day for me, when I had my first car accident in 37 years of driving. Life seems to have become BA & AA now: Before & After Accident. I think it’s a common reaction, and certainly understandable.

I so could have died. Or had internal injuries/broken neck/punctured a lung etc.

But I didn’t.

For which I thank my guardian angels, who felt like my dear departed Dad…

I came home with whiplash and concussion though, so walked around like a zombie for a month, cautious of my ‘frozen’ upper back and neck.

I did no dancing, minimal walking, barely any Pilates, and an awful lot of lying on the couch or bed feeling a bit miserable.

I utterly lost my joy.

So I’m delighted to announce that it’s back! I’m laughing, dancing, making plans, having adventures, getting a groovy haircut as suggested by my son (“Get a mullet Mum, you’d rock it”), and most importantly, feeling fully alive again, at home in my body.

I’m so happy and grateful.

If you keep up with this blog, you’ll know that I am also chewing more slowly now, which has definitely improved my sense of wellbeing and mindfulness.

But more than anything, these last 4 months have been graced and shaped by my unfurling new love, who I’ll call ‘F’. A kind, thoughtful, intelligent, honest, and flawed human being, who rushed to my hospital bedside, lent me a car while I scraped together money to buy a new one, and whippersnipped my driveway and garden because it brought me to tears that I couldn’t manage that for a while.

I feel so lucky.

How tender is the path to fresh romance, strewn with carcasses of loss and pain on both sides? Yet still we tiptoe towards each other, us humans over 50, hoping for another go at the game of love…

Slowly slowly we move closer, and I’m delighted.

In gratitude for resilience, and the power of flirting, love G xO

My 2 top alternatives to avoid Valentine’s Day pressure

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Make no mistake, I love Love. Whether happily single, sadly recovering from a break-up, or delighting in new fields of play, I have never given up on Love for long. I believe this is healthy, that I am a healthy human, and that we all deserve love.

However, what I absolutely don’t need is a dumb card and cheap chocolates.

Or even a smart card and expensive chocolates.

So if any human out there felt a little blue they had no Valentine, or was let down by an unsatisfactory experience, let me inspire you: why not organize a Galentine’s Day, or a V-Day flash mob?

What are these 2 curious offerings you wonder? My favourite Australian feminist writer Clementine Ford drew me to the first one, when she recently offered a picnic in the park experience for 100 women, bringing gals together. It’s been around for a decade or so, and is about celebrating female sister-like connections; it’s so easy to let friendships slip by when we’re busy with work/kids/household chores/ageing parents etc.

But who else are you gonna call when the chips are down? Not Ghostbusters I hope, but your best sistafriend! So on Galentine’s Day, make a date to eat yummy food, dress up, paint your nails perhaps, feed each other chocolates… whatever feels like a celebration to YOU.

V-Day protest Byron Bay 2021 for One Billion Rising

And if (like me), you are becoming a feisty older lady, my second suggestion may suit you as well: to produce or participate in a flashmob dance protest about ongoing global violence against women and children, under the banner of One Billion Rising.

“One Billion Rising is a global campaign, founded by Eve Ensler, to end rape and sexual violence against women. It was started in 2012 as part of the V-Day movement. The “billion” refers to the UN statistic that one in three women will be raped or beaten in her lifetime…”

I am one of the organizing commitee that puts it on every year, and it’s an empowering experience for all who attend. We wear red; meet at dawn at the most Easterly point of the Australian mainland, where the sun’s rays hit first; then dance in solidarity with women all around the world who demand and deserve freedom from oppression and aggression.

Men are welcome too of course, but on the sidelines: let us take up space. I am a lucky, liberated, fully empowered woman, with no history of sexual or physical abuse, but a lot of women aren’t, and it’s important that survivors of abuse be seen and heard. After a rousing speech and two tries at the dance routine (where it doesn’t actually matter if you know the steps or not- I seem to fudge it ok every year), we strip and dive into the ocean.

Now that’s a beautiful experience to share.

The DJ keeps playing while we swim (the ocean was so warm this year), and then we keep dancing (albeit salty and damp) until 8.30 or so: it’s the best way I’ve found to celebrate February 14.

So there are my two best alternatives for the insipid Hallmark construction that is Valentine’s Day. If you do Feb 14 romantic celebrations with authenticity and loving care, I’m delighted for you. But please do NOT struggle with it if you are single, as though you’ve ‘failed’ somehow, or are missing out… simply create your own pleasure, your own ritual, and truly Be the free daughter of those witches who were burnt so long ago!

With gratitude for behaving disgracefully, & my sistas all around the world, including YOU, my blogging buddies, love G xO

Chewing slowly: who knew it would change my life?

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Hi there! 10 weeks since my car accident, and I’m slowly but surely feeling like my old self again. Just with a stiff neck, and a little more anxiety in vehicles generally, especially going round corners.

But I’m getting some style of healing treatment every week (Osteo/physio/Kinesiology/Cranio-Sacral/massage), so I’m blessed to be recovering my physicality.

I had a very quiet New Year’s Eve, as it was only 3 weeks since the crash then, and wondered about my new resolutions? To be honest, I just wanted to feel well again, without a permanent headache, and the disconcerting sense of a hand gripping my throat…

So no one was more surprised than me when on New Year’s Day I suddenly announced I was going to eat more mindfully.

Specifically: to count my chews, and do at least 25-30 per mouthful.

First I conducted controlled research on how many times I usually masticate my food: 5 to 10 chews before I swallow. How many do you do?

Then I practiced how many I could get comfortable with, which seemed to be 25-30. Which is interesting, because multiple sources of dietary information online recommended chewing approx 30 times before swallowing, once the food has become almost liquid in your mouth.

Surprisingly, nowadays it can take me 40 chews to make a raw apple feel ready to swallow. My morning breakfast of avocado and sauerkraut on toast is at least 25-35. A handful of nuts can be 40-50.

It’s fascinating!

I’ve always been a fast eater, mainly because I just love food and fresh flavours so much. Slowing down, and being truly aware of my eating process as it’s happening is bringing me unexpected joy.

It’s truly Mindfulness in Action.

I so suggest you try it today, then let me know how many times you usually chew, vs your count when you slow down and chew.

I’ve noticed I want to focus more on what I’m tasting, and not be juggling a phone call or a series of emails; there is something so peaceful about simply eating.

And the rising numbers feel almost like a mantra.

I’ve been doing it since Jan 1st, and I don’t know if it’s a coincidence or not, but I’ve been feeling very calm, and definitely eating a bit less. In these days of such global inequalities and pandemic stress, it feels like the least I can do is be mindful and grateful for every meal I am blessed to have and share.

So that’s my unforeseen update. I thoroughly recommend chewing slowly. Notably, everyone I’ve mentioned it to has been intrigued, and given it a go.

Now we’re REALLY talking about the Slow Food Movement!

Please try it, even if it’s just a cookie, and comment about your experience 🙂

In gratitude for my tastebuds, G xO

My car crash to end the car crash that was 2020

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It’s OK: I’m OK! It’s been a month, and I’ve been waiting to feel better before posting. Happy New Year everyone, especially ME, because I am literally glad to be alive…

[Content warning: images of crashed car coming up.]

I’d left home at 5.45am, in a light drizzle after a great night’s sleep, keen to drive the one hour trip to teach my Pilates class.

I definitely drove more slowly than usual because of the newly-wet roads, up and down through the winding hilly rainforest, listening to the radio, looking forward to my horse ride later that morning.

I came round the last big corner before town, no other cars on the road, driving 10kms below the 80km speed limit, when suddenly my back end began to slide out. I corrected a bit but didn’t brake, just took my foot off the accelerator, but kept fish-tailing… then realised I was heading for the grass bank looming in front of me.

Who carries a traffic cone in their car?? An angel, that’s who.

“This is like a bumper car/dodgem car game, but a bad one!” I thought, struggling to believe I was going to impact.

But impact I did.

The car flipped, rolled right over and half again, crossing the road, and ended facing in the wrong direction.

I remember being upside down, feeling like I was in a tumble dryer.

“I just have to wait till this stops, then see what I have to deal with,” I surrendered.

The terrible screeching of metal on road stopped, and in the sudden silence, I waited for extreme pain to start, or blood to rush down my face…

Nothing.

“Right, I’m going to get out of the car then.”

I unclipped my seatbelt, which was pinning me in the air (the car had stopped on its side, passenger door down), and dropped into a crouch position. No windows were smashed, but neither door would budge. I had a moment of panic, feeling claustrophobia arise, then heard myself say “It’s OK gg, it’s OK, we’re going to get out, we’re going to get out.”

I remembered a YouTube clip I’d seen of someone smashing a window with the metal rods of the headrest to escape a car sinking in water; I registered I didn’t need that, although I could see fluid leaking across the road from the engine, and steam rising. I reminded myself that cars exploding into fireballs on impact is mainly a stunt for the movies, but that getting out was definitely a good idea.

My hands flailed around to unlock a door or something, and suddenly the electric window wound down- I stuck my head out, noticed there was not too much debris where I would land, and jumped out over the roof barefoot like a ninja!

The first person to stop was an angel called Jason, who held both my hands, looked deep into my battered soul, and said:

“It’s OK, you’re safe, I’m here, I’ve got you, let’s go sit in my car.“

I stared into his kind brown eyes, and in that moment, never felt so grateful for another human being in my life.

‘I want to sit on the ground, I want to be on the earth,’ I insisted, so the good fellow sat me in the blessed wet welcoming grass of the verge.

Again, the best grass I ever saw.

Second car to stop held two guys who had a traffic control cone in their van, so they began directing traffic and called the ambulance.

In the ambulance; sharing this pic to remind us to slow down, in cars and in Life

Third car was a nurse on her way to work, so she stood behind me and held my neck still like a neck brace for 10 minutes till the ambulance arrived with the real plastic one.

Then off I sped to hospital for a CT scan, terrified and in shock, yet managing to call work to say I wasn’t coming, plus my girlfriend to tell her what had happened, and to please call my son.

In 37 years of driving, I have NEVER had an accident. Not a prang in the supermarket carpark, or a slight ding when reversing near trees, or even many ‘near misses’. I loved driving; remember I used to have that gorgeous black Mini Cooper? A delight to drive. But I’d sensibly swapped it for an AWD Subaru when I moved out to the rainforest, and I’d put new tyres on it a couple of months ago…

So I was majorly shocked. Still am. Driving makes me anxious, and exhausts me for now.

But you know what? I’m ALIVE. We have a health care system which means I was taken care of, and of course friends and loved ones rallied round to offer emotional and practical support.

I am SO GRATEFUL. I came home with concussion, and whiplash, which can be a long journey of healing…

But I am HERE. I can eat, hug, laugh, see my son, and enjoy experiences with friends, like Xmas and New Year, albeit slowly and gently, with lots of naps.

SO SO GRATEFUL.

And so lucky. I feel like my dear departed Dad definitely saved me- even the doctor said he couldn’t believe I wasn’t more badly-injured/dead.

SO SO GRATEFUL.

So Happy New Year everyone. 2020 was a car crash for all of us, as well as illuminating where massive changes need to be made, and while I slowly recover, I am sitting in my vulnerability and willingness to learn lessons and make changes…

This blog could be a good place for that?

Stay safe please; drive carefully; take deep breaths as often as you can, and practice gratitude for the roof over your head and the loved ones you share it with.

Seriously, Life is a precious gift we completely underestimate.

Blessings, G xO

Mushroom growing update: me vs every forest creature. But I won!

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Remember when I said I was making a Wine Cap mushroom bed under my old lime tree? Well little did I know, as I toiled to layer the cardboard, bark chips, and compost, but I was being watched by a number of excited forest crittters, waiting to see what gifts I was bringing them.

I very quickly found little scratch marks and tiny holes dug out all along the sides of the bed…

“No way buddies! I’ve worked too hard for this!”

So as you can see, I went back to the hardware store, and bought metal stakes and netting to protect my magical mushies.

Determination can be my middle name, and hang the extra expense.

Didn’t work. Damn critters just dug in under the netting, even though I’d then weighed the sides down with rocks, boulders, and thick branches.

I felt a little disheartened, and stopped checking every day, wondering if I should transfer the bed to my fully-fenced secure veggie garden… Can one dig up mushrooms and just shift them I wondered?

But then one morning I happened to walk past, and look what I saw:

ONE gorgeous, proud, unexpected Wine Cap mushroom, glowing in the soft light of dawn. Woohoo! one proud Mama here. It tasted delicious in my fresh pasta, basil and cherry tomato lunch. I imagined various mushie dishes, and baskets of ‘shrooms to hand out to my delighted friends…

Then I had not one more growth.

Boohoo.

Until yesterday:

A veritable bouquet of Wine Caps! I was very happy, and had to share my excitement, in the light of all the crazy politics and virus dramas still going on around the world.

Wherever you are reading this, may you be safe, and warm, with a full belly, preferably of mushrooms.

What’s your favourite way to eat them?

In gratitude for mycelium & soil, G xO

Cabbage, chandeliers, and cabaret

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G, whatcha been doin’? Remember when you used to blog every week? Yes, but that was before forest and garden tempted me with their bounties.

And before the pandemic made me stay home, cocooned in privilege and privacy, questioning the status quo of social media and blogs in general.

So instead of writing, I’ve been planting/weeding/fertilizing/cooking and eating vegetables like a desperate herbivore.

Plus making delicious sauerkraut with my own-grown red cabbage.

Then there’s the not-so-small matter of a renovation project on my unused studio, which cried out for a chandelier! Finally I found one locally, covered in dust, in a glorious hand-blown deep red. I thought I wanted crystal clear and silver, but I’ve been blessed otherwise, so I’m going with the flow of that.

Bringing it home was an adventure in slow-driving, letting other cars pass, and trying not to be hypnotised by the delightful tinkle tinkle of the swinging crystals. Then a wheelbarrow to get it down my drive to the front door, and the obsessive-compulsive challenge of cleaning & polishing every single piece… it will take me a while… who needs to ever leave home again anyway?

I PROMISE I will post a pic when it’s in place.

With two dear friends, I am also producing and performing in a queer cabaret that we secured post-COVID funding for; we are employing over 20 artists, both on and off the stage, and bringing naughty fun to regional audiences.

So my To Do list is long, ever-growing, and stress-producing. With ‘blogging’ waaaaay down the bottom sorry.

But with only two more weeks to go till curtain rises, I will then have NO EXCUSE not to be here 😉

I need to update you on my mushroom experiment, my latest horse riding adventure in the woods, and my new date…

*grins

And that is certainly another post that needs writing.

In gratitude for the colours red and green, G xO

Reaching a milestone: being asked to join a cool Book Club

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Me aged 3 thinking about going to school, where there ARE lots of new books to discover

Dare I state the obvious? I LOVE to read. One way I resist Capitalism with glee is to lie on the couch buried in a book for a few hours.

I’ve always been like that: as a quiet, dreamy child, I was never happier than when lost in the world of a book. Well, actually, playing with our guinea pigs was pretty good too (Lord Palmeston and Lady Windemere- photo sadly not available).

So imagine my delight when last Sunday the phone rang, and my dear friend’s husband asked me in his deep formal voice if I would care to join his Book Club?

I felt like a kid again, I was so excited. As soon as the invitation began to sink in, I immediately thought about what book I would suggest- somehow I have learnt along the way that this is the protocol.

‘”Girl, Woman, Other”, G, that’s a great book. They’ll think you’re edgy and cool/well-informed. And it was shortlisted for the Booker Prize 2019.’

Calm, succinct words continued to flow down the phone line:

‘Our book this month is “Girl, Woman, Other”, have you heard of it?’

I gasped.

View from verandah

‘Are you serious? I’ve read it twice! Got to the end, waited a week, started again cos I loved it so much. It’s what I would have suggested.’

A long pause on the other end (he’s a slow-talking, thoughtful man).

‘This is better than a Hollywood script isn’t it? It’s meant to be. We will see you at the end of the month then?’

Oh yes you will. I’m going to read it again, and make notes this time :~)

What about you Dear Reader?

Have you been in a Book Club? How old were you when you joined- I’m 54- been waiting a long time. Have you read this book? And most importantly, WHAT DO YOU RECOMMEND FOR ME TO RECOMMEND NOW? I’ve no ideas…

In gratitude for letters, words, sentences, and books, G xO

Dating over 50 after heartbreak: can we still surrender to a starry sky?

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I find myself single once more after a 2-year rollercoaster; wounds healing, lessons learned [hopefully], correct path rediscovered. Did you know midlife or ‘grey’ divorce has doubled since 1990? I follow a number of blogs of women in my age bracket (45-60), and at least half of them are single and dating. Of course, several are still in delightfully content long term relationships or marriages, and kudos to them.

That has never been my story. Nor my goal.

Still, once again, I clawed my way out of a tear-filled, anxiety-riddled, confused and lonely pit of mourning, like a determined yet unlucky mole.

And then began sprucing up my online dating profile, adding current photos, and perusing my options…

*sigh

Some familiar faces are still there. And now mine too, returning to the fray.

I sat on my blue couch facing the forest, flipping past desperate hopeful offer after offer, and noticed I felt numb.

Too soon? Four months single; feel ready for something though. Too easy? Been online since 2010, so yes, very accustomed to this hunting. Too callous? Yes again: the instant discard because of ugly sunglasses, an orange shirt, or the ubiquitous drink in hand is harsh, and I can be ruthless, I admit- you learn to be in online dating.

I closed the lid to my laptop. There must be another way… how did we used to do it? But more importantly, was I really ready?

When I was 10, I wrote a list of all the things I wanted to do/be when I grew up- it was probably a school exercise. Writer, actress, journalist… I’ve kind of ticked the boxes haven’t I?

I also wrote a list of the ways I didn’t want to be, and from memory, the top point was ‘cynical’. I was a dreamy, romantic child, and my favourite moments now are still those times before jumping out of the bed in the morning, when I can let my sleepy soft mind drift through imagined or remembered scenarios and experiences.

After this latest worst break-up ever [complete dysfunctional disrespect by the other party of my clearly-expressed needs for safety and boundaries], it would be easy for me to sit in cynicism, or worse still, swear off entanglement forever.

But as my dear friend A says:

‘G, I’ve never seen you deeply committed to misery.’

And he’s right. The curious, playful, and ultimately brave part of me wants to venture back out into the light, to see if I can find love again…

My question is: can I surrender to it if I find it?

Remember when you were young, say 23, and met someone you liked? Back then, the world was your oyster. I fell in love with a kitchen-hand with dark cats eyes in tropical North Queensland, and before I even thought about it too much, we backpacked off to England and Canada, then ended up in a caravan at his parents’ farm in Coffs Harbour a couple of years later. We then agreed to break up in the check-out queue of the local supermarket, on my birthday, as you do.

So be it.

Another romance saw me move across Australia, study to become a Pilates instructor, then spend years commuting back and forth to see my son.

Even old readers of this blog will recall my delightful Melbourne love connection, with monthly trips to a rural idyll far from my beloved beach, exploring a profound creative relationship with ‘H’, who I treasure still to this day.

*sighs

Can I do it again? With a mortgage and part time jobs to juggle, plus darling son ’20Now’? At what point do we give up believing in romance? Is it really just a social construct to sell Hallmark cards and promote the religious agenda of the nuclear family?

*sighs again

I still want to look at someone and feel butterflies. I still want to hold hands while gazing at the stars, aware that we are infinitesimal, yet so important to each other in each breath, each unfolding moment.

I do have faith in my emotional resilience, for that’s what it will take. And I back myself up with discipline and commitment: I go to therapy; I read and reflect; I write in my journal; I talk with and listen to my wise friends.

I feel supported, and therefore brave.

So my answer is YES. Yes, I hope I can still surrender to love, if it comes along.

How about you? Of course this damn pandemic makes everything tricky, and we need to stay safe as a priority, but how are you feeling about your search for love, whether single or partnered?

In gratitude for online conversations and the magic of starlight, G xO