All posts filed under: personal

In the dance of intimacy, who wants head-banging to death metal?

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I love to dance. I’m a 5Rhythms woman, and blogged about it ages ago (incl a clip in France) HERE. I did 10 years of ballet classes, which I loved, although the best bit was pretending to be a cloud, twirling free around the long sunlit room. I goddamn LOVE Disco, and anything funky sets my feet a’tappin’ and my knees a’bouncin’. Last week at the Attachment course I’m doing, our teacher said: “Emotion is the music in the dance of adult intimacy”. My studious ears pricked up. Ooh, are we gonna dance? We all relish the heart-fluttering sweet ballad of new romance don’t we? Every love song making sense. Or the passionate, sweaty, sexy tango. But who wants to turn up for that surprise ear-bleeding death metal concert by Dispute, Stress and Shove? Not me thanks! That’s what conflict can be though. One minute you’re chatting over a cup of tea, or pushing your trolley down the aisle (I once dumped a boyfriend at the checkout. On my birthday. *sigh. I was young… But …

Blog tales for the Over 50s with positive ageing, dating & relationships

Driving with teenage son No. 1

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Him: “Mum, I’d like you to try and control some of your sassy replies; there’s no need to always be so feisty.” Me: [deep breathing through half a dozen sassy replies, and a proud Feminist rave about smashing the patriarchy] “Perhaps you could try choosing not to react to them?” Him: [after pausing for a moment to consider this] “But if you weren’t so sassy, I wouldn’t have to choose that, so nice try Mum, but it’s back to you I’m afraid.”   *Disclaimer: longer post with statistics and his true Feminism HERE  

“Conflict is essential for emotional growth & development…”

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I’m in a new relationship, and loving it. The ‘honeymoon phase’ of those first 3-6 months is in full swing, and utterly delicious. We all get addicted to that sweet rush of heady bliss, when neither of you can do any wrong, and the future rolls out rosy and calm before you… Until the first fight. Until that first shock of cold water on your love fire, sending the perfect daydream up in clouds of stinky steam. Ugh. We all hate it. We all dread it. We are all loathe to see the ‘other side’ of our Beloved: the one where they criticize or reject us; perhaps sulk or avoid; complain loudly or even yell about our suddenly-glaring faults. Ugh. I’m currently doing a 6-week course in Attachment patterns, common triggered behaviours, and security strategies for healthy relationship outcomes. One of the first things our teacher Anne said was this: ‘Conflict is essential for emotional growth and development; it’s how we manage it that matters.’ I felt like I let out my held breath. I …

Walking with teenage son…

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… along our favourite sunset beach, talking. Somehow I lose the thread of the conversation (maybe it was yet another rave about surfing?), and tune out a bit. He suddenly says ‘Mum, what are you doing?’. I answer ‘Sorry Sweetie, I didn’t understand what you meant, so I started daydreaming…’ He replies, with that knowing sigh only teenagers can truly master: ‘Well, you’re not going to understand by not listening are you?’

Episode 7: Press ‘Pause’

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Before we go any further, are you up to date? Did you read Episode 6? Or do you need to start at Episode 1? Are you sitting comfortably? Then let’s begin. The ‘Like at First Sight’ date meeting: tick. The two hour Japanese lunch across the road that neither of us wanted to end: tick. The wandering around groovy film art exhibition, wondering if/when/who/how the first kiss: tick. The vintage clothes shopping (but each of us too shy to actually try stuff on): tick. The second-hand grimy bookshop browsing down a hardly-used art deco mall, wondering if/when/who/how the first kiss: tick. Press ‘Pause’. Now one of my readers asked me why I didn’t write ‘Love at First Sight’ in the last post Episode 6 HERE? Because it’s a cliché? Because I’m a sensible grown up 50 year old woman? Because it seems too soon? Because it can’t possibly be true? I’d say I’m a fairly loving, affectionate person; my son ‘almost17’ and I use the farewell phrase “Love you” most days for example, and at night before …

Soggy not Bloggy 

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It’s been hard being flooded. Not as hard as for folk in the 2 big towns either side of me, who have been devastated by rivers more than 11 meters over their banks. But still very stressful. Not as stressful as being bombed in the streets of Syria of course, but still pretty shit. It came up so fast. Rainfalls of between 500 & 950mm in 24hrs. An entire month’s rainfall in one dreadful night, thanks to Cyclone Debbie. I’ve had a delightful & significant blog post about Episode 7 in my online dating story drafted for days, but it felt too superficial to post it, when so many of my dear friends, neighbours, & community have been coping with up to 2.5mtrs of brown smelly muddy shitty river water through their homes. People have died, including a mother and her children. Houses have literally been swept away downstream. Business stock has been ruined, and flood insurance is incredibly expensive round here, so not many people have it; there are rumours it’s going to be …

Episode 6: The first sighting

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As some of you know, our first actual date was in Melbourne, just before Xmas, after 11 weeks of writing and drawing. That’s a lot of energy we’d both invested. We’d chatted, smiled, laughed, expressed, disagreed, argued, apologized, made up, dreamed, revealed, asked and answered, even gotten teary, all by email, text, and a couple of postal things. No phone calls. No Skype. We’d each had multiple profile pics up though, and had actually texted a few pics back and forth (‘me with cat/me with dog’) so both knew the other was basically physically attractive (yeah, neither of us is completely crazy that foolish that brave enough to blind date!) The day of our meeting dawned fine, not too hot (I admit I’d sacrificed a couple of virgin goats to the weather goddesses to ensure it wasn’t a 40 degree day). I had a favourite and comfortable outfit to wear (very important). We’d been in the same city for a couple of days before our 12 noon appointment under the main Flinders St train station …

Cracking shells

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Online dating is fun. Staying single is also awesome. Being in relationship (for me) has usually ended up being too hard. One of my fellow online daters and Followers over at BackInStilettosAgain commented on my last post Episode 5 HERE that she didn’t know if she’d ever actually experienced true intimacy, or even knew what it was. That got me thinking… She was married for 12 years, with 2 children; I have one beautiful son ‘Almost17’, and have lived with 6 different partners since I was 19. Yet she and I both feel like we still haven’t experienced true intimacy- how can this be?? Intimacy is defined by various webpages as: “… The experience of emotional closeness. It occurs when two people are able to be open with one another, and reveal their true feelings, thoughts, fears and desires. This can only occur when both people are able to genuinely trust one another, and feel able to take the risk of being vulnerable.” [MensLine Australia] And: “… About being emotionally close to your partner, about being able …

Episode 5: Like an oldtime military overcoat

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Our first date lasted two days. The 2nd one, four. The 3rd was five nights long, and so was the 4th, from which I’ve just returned. Mmmmmmmm. They kinda have to go for a long time, when we live so far apart… Nothing about this courtship and romance has been ‘as usual’. We began emailing Oct 4th, and didn’t actually meet in the flesh for 78 days. 11 weeks. That’s a looooonnnnnnggggggg time, especially in this age of instant gratification, with extreme technological resources. So how many times did we Skype/Facetime/Whats App video before our first date? None. Zero. Nil. Why? Because one of us really didn’t want to, despite occasional hints or suggestions from the other interested party, or the incredulity of workmates and friends. Let me give you a clue: it wasn’t me. I’m usually pretty forward in my romances; a combination of genuine Feminist confidence (I want to be FREE to do whatever I want, whenever I want), plus bravado to cover up my ubiquitous Crabby cautiousness or nerves. But this Melbourne …