This starts with scones for morning tea. An innocent trigger, exploding into a phone fight across 1600kms, as two feisty, stubborn women clash values.
“You want space to process? Have the entire state of Victoria then! I am NOT going to text first” rants my inner Grumpy Avoidant dwarf in silence.
Arms folded. Hackles up. Snarling. Feel sick though, down in the pit of my stomach. I know this isn’t right or healthy.
Ring my dear friend R; launch myself into the story of the fight, feeling myself getting crosser, yet sadder.
‘Why don’t you have a tantrum about this, and see what lies beneath?’ she says. ‘You know, dance round the living room, thrash a pillow, see what you find?’
OK, I can do that. And I know the perfect song: Fatboy Slim ‘What the Fuck’
So I’m 50, and flailing arms, legs, head, like a toddler. I’m shaking out my brain, belly, butt, and bile. I fall to my knees, and pummel the couch. I’m spoilt, selfish, silly, and acting out all of it. What the hell. Nothing to lose; I feel terrible anyway.
The 5 minutes passes. I’m panting, sweating, released. What lies beneath indeed?
“I feel angry with you for being so sensitive. I feel angry with myself for being so insensitive, and hurting you.
I’m angry that we’re not communicating, which feels to me like I’m being punished.
This morning, driving in the rain, I wondered, for the first time ever, if this relationship was too hard/too distant/not worth it.
I hated that.
I wondered if you were thinking the same thing. If you were going to dump me.
I was terrified. And I hated that.
But my Avoidant was up & cheering, marching off into the next new sunset with anyone easier/lighter/closer.
I hated that (although it did feel horribly comforting). And I especially fucken hated that.So now I’m Here.
Feeling sad. Abandoned. Rejected for making a stupid mistake.
Love & Connection being withheld.
I hate that.
Yet I’m totally doing it too.
Wail & howl. Hang my head in shame & sorrow. Feel dumb. Careless. Sad.
I’m tired. Slept so shit.
Feel soft soft vulnerable scared…
“I don’t want to lose this love” whispers my heart.
“I don’t want to fuck this up. I’m so dumb, insensitive, clumsy, defensive.”
I’m angry neither of us has better models & skills to navigate these trying times more easily.
I’m scared of losing our fragile, precious, incredible connection.
I’m wondering what to do to make it all better? The over-anxious child, wanting to ‘fix things’- to get it ‘right’.
To not fail.
To not cause pain to the one I love, even if they’ve also lashed out and hurt me.
To understand. To understand us both.
To be kind. To be kind to us both.
To Love. To Love us both.
To soften and open and lean into Love.
To say ‘I’m sorry. I fucked up. I hurt you. I didn’t mean to. I see your pain. Forgive me.’
To soften. To open.
To give a defeated shrug of my shoulders, and ask ‘Can we just let it go?’
That’s what I found inside me, curled up scared like a near-drowned kitten, shivering and cold, looking for a safe place that feels like Home.”