love
Published on October 25, 2017
Comments 51

Bumpy

written by
relationships, online dating, raising a teenager, over 50, positive ageing

I haven’t updated about my online dating romance in a while, as things have just been cruising along: month off/week on/daily texts/phone calls & Skype chats 3 times a week or so, all cute n cosy.

Till ‘H’s latest visit this weekend. Hmmm, is ‘bumpy’ the right word? No one’s fault really; just two slightly stressed human beings, bringing their fears, their wounds, and their frailty to the fore.

You all know I’ve got quite a lot going on: Mum over in the UK who’s health is in decline and in a bit of a crisis right now, plus general exhaustion at the shitty state of the world. ‘H’ packed a small suitcase for this trip with some of the stress of building a new house on a tight budget, and various other creative/financial challenges at home in Melbourne.

We tried to set our 4-day table with care and kindness, but right from the airport pick up, we somehow disconnected. Oh dear. Add in a delayed flight, driving home in the dark, missing dinner etc, plus me needing to get up at 7am to work all day the next day, and you’ve got yourself a ticket for a roller coaster ride- admit two for the price of one.

When I had a tiny grumble to my two dearest work colleagues the first day, both in longterm relationships, they each smiled and said ‘Ah, true love hey?’

To which I had to grin and nod (with slightly clenched teeth I admit).

Maybe it is. Maybe to stop and turn around when you want to turn and walk away is love?

Maybe to offer a cup of tea when you want to say ‘Just go home then’ is love?

Maybe to listen when you actually want to speak is love?

Maybe to open and share when you want to curl up and withdraw is love?

Maybe to cry and show your tears is love?

The path of true love is not smooth, as we all know. And the bumps feel fucked! Yet on the other side is a new softness, a new understanding, and new possibilities.

 

That feels like Love to me.

 

[PS: I’m linking this with Debbie over at ForgivingConnects because she runs #ForgivingFridays and I really had to dig deep to do just that <3]

 

51 Comments

  2. nichtisobel says

    So true, yes. I had a shitty week like that a couple of weeks ago. It can feel so awful when you place such a premium on this time, and then it feels like a total disconnect. If one or both of you came into this time with lots of stress weighing over your head, then I can bet it isn’t personal. Add in this expectation that time together, because it is at a premium, has to be AMAZING AWESOME 110%, and that can cause one or both people to shut down when it is imperfect. You don’t want to talk about it for fear of disappointing the other, but you realize that its ultimately more disappointing to be shut down. I hope that you and he can acknowledge whatever it was… (even if you have no idea) and be self-forgiving. ❤

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    • bone&silver says

      So, so, exactly true! Thank you for articulating that way more clearly than me- that’s such a good comment. I hope you resolved your own drama successfully? I’m actually going to copy this comment and email it to H, as I think it’s such a good summation of what happens- thanks Nichtisobel xO

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      • nichtisobel says

        Yes, things are much better on my end, thank you. I go through episodes of shut-down with my friend, and it used to be whenever it happened that I thought the sky was falling, yet felt totally paralyzed in talking about it. It’s still rough, but I since I know we usually get through it, that we probably will again, and it helps me from going crazy. Good luck!

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  4. Matt Berger says

    My brief experience with long-distance relationships had similar moments. SO much pressure on SO little time. And the farthest that ever got was Ann Arbor, MI to Philadelphia, PA, a relatively short plane ride. Your reflection is wise, though, and your willingness to share wiser.

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  5. S_MW says

    My eldest daughter is in her very first relationship with a girl. Like you, they were dealing with a separation, a distance (nothing like yours but far enough). Like you and H they have both had things happen in their personal lives that looked like it was going to break them. My girl was distraught, confused and hurt a lot. Then she lost her job, so she moved to another city and it’s worked, I’d say. I know that it’s completely different, but I’m hoping that you’ll take heart from the fact that by talking and being honest about everything, whether it’s hurtful or annoying or…whatever – if there’s love there, if it’s meant to be, it’ll be. I wish you happiness. X

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    • bone&silver says

      Thank you honey! That’s a lovely story for you to offer, and it’s made me smile here in Oz. Talking is absolutely the key, whatever the genders, and ‘H’ is not so good at that (definitely an Introvert, and knows it). The pressure on it only being 4 days (when I was working one of them) seemed to make it worse, not to mention all the other stresses… It ended on a good note, but there’s a ripple of confusion still being felt… Luckily we’re seeing each other in a fortnight, so that’s good. Thank you so much for sharing & commenting xO

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  6. heartbreathing says

    Beautifully written and such a far reaching topic. So much of my future and my happiness depends on how deeply I am able to think and feel not only into myself, but specially into those around me.

    Liked by 2 people

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    • bone&silver says

      Thanks A. That’s a lovely comment, and your experience is so much greater than mine. I’m proud of myself: I really sat in my discomfort, and didn’t let my Avoidant run the show (OMG she was up and charging though!! As was ‘H’s of course).
      I hope we can talk about it over a cuppa soon? Thank you for reading & writing xOO

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  10. Magenta says

    I must reflect a little & come back to comment but I just wanted to say thanks for sharing – I’m enjoying the comments discussion too which I will add too soon 😊

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  11. Ann Coleman says

    Yes, I think love is when we act loving even when we might not feel especially loving. At least that’s what it takes in long-term relationships. You’re only in trouble if all of your time together feels like work, I think. I love my husband and know he’s the right one for me to spend my life with, but believe me, there are times I could happily drop-kick him into the next state! But I refrain…..

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  12. DFMGhost says

    Love doesn’t mean being perfect. It’s working through the imperfections. It’s how you deal with the complexities of the human persona and the interactions. It’s an every day survival quest. If you don’t care, you don’t love you, basically. You care. You show it. 💙💖 That’s all you need.

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  13. ForgivingConnects says

    Aww Gabrielle, I love this! I felt so much compassion right from the beginning of your post. 💜,Sending you both blessings. Your experiences / questions of love are profound.

    Feel free to contribute this post to #ForgivingFridays if you want to. It would be a lovely addition. Just include a ping back to my latest post, plus #ForgivingFridays in your tags.
    Have a great week. – Debbie

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  14. Dewy says

    Yes it’s all that . It’s not a rose garden that’s for sure . But then the beautiful roses with their scents do have thorns 😊

    Liked by 2 people

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    • bone&silver says

      Yes, you’re right. I guess I prefer the light, easy, fun stuff, if I’m honest… but then again there is a gift in all the dark stuff too. Thanks for reading : )

      Like

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  16. zlotybaby says

    If only we could put all our negative emotions into a box, when we’re dealing with our partners! They’re there for the good, they’ll be there for the bad too. It’s all good till all in all there’s still more of the former than of the latter.

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  17. Nina says

    This. This is perfect. You captured so much with your expression of what love is. I especially appreciate when you describe wanting to leave.

    Liked by 1 person

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  18. gigglingfattie says

    Sometimes I think the true beauty of a relationship comes from the bumpiness. The trying to work it outness. Instead of this “it’s not working right so I’m throwing it away” attitude that I find a lot of my generation has (which I know isn’t yours but that’s ok!) finding someone who wants to actually work it out and get it back to the good times is what I look for in a relationship. You can learn a lot about someone in how they tackle those rollercoaster moments.

    Liked by 1 person

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    • bone&silver says

      Oh goodness you’re wise for one so young haha : )
      I’ve done a lot of ‘this is too hard I’m moving on’ I admit (never been married or really settled down), so yes, it’s interesting watching my reactions (old and new) to the conflicts. And so far, ‘H’ and I seem very willing to do the work we need to do to get back on track… which is awesome : ) You are clearly a good catch yourself! xO

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      • gigglingfattie says

        Lol I can’t say I’ve ever been in a relationship long enough to test out my wisdom but I have learned a lot from watching my parents interact in their marriage. Their struggles and victories are what shape my own relationships so I tend to realise quickly what will and wont work for me.

        And that’s the second time in 24 hours someone has called me a catch lol one of the kids I nanny claimed that “obviously” I wouldn’t last on a dating site long because of my personality and how she seems me. Its really sweet to hear so thank you!

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  20. EnglishRosiee says

    I think I was getting at something similar in my post about taking a break from a relationship. Sometimes the path to happily ever after isn’t linear and there are bumps in the road but we are all sorta programmed to run at the first sign of trouble. Would love your comments on it.

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