Love + Dating
Published on May 29, 2018
Comments 61

When a comet shoots by, but it’s probably just your Attachment system getting rattled

written by
Going on a date night over 50 for my wellbeing and pleasure

#over50 #queer #rainbow #australia #dating @boneAndsilver

Time for a dating update folks: I met someone in real life. Well, I noticed her at a dance party about a year ago, but being a loyal partner to my ex, I just ignored her…

Then 6 months ago, a very good mutual friend actually introduced us properly, and I couldn’t stop myself from thinking ‘Oh you are so cute’, but being a loyal partner to my ex, I just ignored me…

Until 2 weeks ago, when on another funky dance floor in my killer blue jumpsuit over my freshly-healed heart, I found myself facing her, and just couldn’t ignore her for one more second.

We danced. We smiled. We yelled in each others’ ears. We flirted, then drifted away and back together a few times (I got on that dance floor at 5pm when I arrived, and barely left till the party closed at 11.30pm) before I finally asked her if she had a girlfriend (my middle name is clearly ‘Direct’).

When she said no, I may or may not have seen a small firework display go off behind us, lighting up the heavens with possibility and coloured sparks.

Yet another mutual friend ‘M’ then shimmied past and suddenly said ‘Oh my god, you two should so get together, you’d have so much fun!’ (‘M’s middle name is obviously similar to mine). We two grinned at each other awkwardly, then shyly looked in opposite directions.

Anyway, the DJ finally stopped playing, and someone flicked on the overhead neons; we all fled the scene like cockroaches surprised in the kitchen in the middle of the night, and I decided to head home sensibly solo before anything untoward happened.

*sigh

*being 51 and ‘sensible’ is soooooo overrated sometimes.

The next morning, still totally high from the endorphins of 6 hours of dancing, my phone buzzed, and there was a text from friend ‘M’, sending me her number, and saying he’d sent her mine as well, hoping that was OK?

Was it OK? BLESS THE PROACTIVE MATCHMAKERS OF THIS WORLD I SAY.

I texted back:

Thanks M 🙂 I’ll contact her tomorrow and tell her you…- wait, my phone just buzzed…- it’s her- I’d better go! xx

Well, it all got a little more exciting… a bit of to and fro (how did we ever date before texting??), and we caught up again that evening… at a mellow recovery dance party (I feel like I need to point out here that my life is usually NOT just one long party…). BUT ’17’ was there too, so I was acutely aware of my teenage son being on the same dance floor (how totally COOL is that though?), so minimised the flirting.

Since then there’s been a beach walk and quick brekky, plus a cuppa on my verandah, and multiple texts/explanations/ridiculous coincidences, but nothing other than hugs. So far.

Which gives me an incredible opportunity to try and check out my attachment system; I am sooooooooo sensible sometimes aren’t I?

I feel ridiculously excited when she’s around, but we are literally like fire and water: she parties hard, has a stressful demanding job, is super busy, and parties very hard (yes, I’m mentioning it twice because I feel like I need to).

I’m a clean-living, mostly non-drinking, health-orientated, pretty calm and centred human being; WHY am I so attracted to her? Does she symbolise my shadow side? The wild girl in contrast to Mrs Sensible? Is she an Avoidant, thereby appealing to my Anxious side? But she has a history of long term, live-in relationships, so she’s probably more Securely-attached than I am. Am I simply thinking too much? Quite honestly, I’m surprised at my own reactions; usually I’m a bit more self-contained.

And more than anything else, I want to go into this new phase of dating post-break-up with as much clarity as possible about what I’m doing, and why; being attracted to, and pursuing, a ridiculously different person to me seems like a silly thing to do… but oh how I want to. I feel like I’ve caught a comet by the tail, and it’s compelling.

Any thoughts? I’m relying on you!

In gratitude for all my readers with outside perspective, and objective advice, love G xO

61 Comments

  1. S_MW says

    I’m so happy for you. “I feel ridiculously excited when she’s around, but we are literally like fire and water”. You know that it doesn’t matter, I expect? It’s like the whole soulmate thing (I’m not a fan of the term). There’s not just one person f

    Liked by 1 person

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    • S_MW says

      or anyone, I feel. So…the fact that you feel ridiculously excited, is thrilling. Coincidentally, my girl is now a girlfriend again, as of last night. X love to you

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      • bone&silver says

        Thanks honey! YEs, I agree we have more than one soulmate… and yes, I will take a deep breath and just enjoy the differences as we explore. It IS thrilling 🙂 And I’m so happy for your girl! So nice to find love again when you’re young 🙂 My love back to you x

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  2. nichtisobel says

    This all sounds promising… not just that there is this opportunity for companionship and sparks, but that you head into this opportunity with a clear head, with some sense of what makes you tick, with what might pull you off… we’re all rooting for ya!

    Liked by 3 people

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    • bone&silver says

      I was waiting for your comment N, cos I know you’re so onto it! And I appreciate the cheering squad very much 🙂 Thank you for taking the time to help me reflect, you’re right 🙂

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  4. Jane says

    Why not just have a fabulous fling? Not everything has to be a deep and meaningful, ever after relationship. Life’s so bloody short. Just go for it.

    Liked by 2 people

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    • bone&silver says

      Now that’s a very good point Jane; I DO tend to think too much sometimes [obviously]. It WOULD be fabulous, I can tell that… thanks for your input 🙂 x

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  5. curioussteph says

    If you don’t go for it, it won’t happen. And maybe that’s fine. And perhaps you’d like to just explore a bit more, as long as its fun for you. And yes, could be a challenge to be with someone of such different habits/style. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. Mix fun and self-care! Following with interest.

    Liked by 1 person

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    • bone&silver says

      Now that is a smart comment, thank you! Yes, I can feel my boundaries getting slightly nudged; I am following this with interest too! Thanks for your wisdoms Steph 🙂 x

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  6. dateranalysisblog says

    I love this post. Loved the bit about cockroaches, as well as the whole description of the chemistry.

    I think it’s not necessarily a mistake to pursue someone who is very different from you. I think it’s more of a mistake to keep pursuing the same sorts of people over and over. Sometimes opposites really do attract!

    Liked by 3 people

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    • bone&silver says

      Yes, that’s a good point Dater; I must admit I have pursued ‘inappropriate’ people in the past, and I’m so over that. Or am I?? That’s the discovery I have to make. Thank you so much for commenting xx

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  7. Chantell says

    Hey darlin….how about not looking so future ways and just enjoying the moments when you are together, the connection that you share….
    I saw the Gurruumul film and his Aunty described the future like a big cloud……you can’t see what’s beyond it so why worry about it….I love this!!!
    What a beautiful opportunity, take it and run xxx

    Liked by 2 people

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    • bone&silver says

      Brilliant concept, the cloud; yes, I’m definitely looking too far ahead; perhaps it’s a protection strategy? I’m going to keep trying to focus on each moment… thank you xxx

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  8. Donnalee says

    I think enjoy the now for the now, and then if there’s another now later, it might be fun then too! Even if you buy or marry someone as some attempt to ‘keep’ something, there are still only the nows that keep happening, so enjoy them while they happen. *shrug*

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  9. TJ Fox says

    Two very different personalities can actually work really well together if they balance each other out. I had always been the “wild” one and my Hubby is SO much more reserved and homebody-ish than I was, but… that works wonders for us. He grounds me a bit and I break him out of his shell and comfort zone. Nearly all the time, those things work perfectly for us. I do know that it can also cause tons of friction if the other parts of the personalities don’t mesh, though. I guess my point is to just keep an open mind. If you enjoy each other’s company, then do so. Why deprive yourself of something that you enjoy and makes you happy and isn’t causing problems otherwise? Just keep doing that until it doesn’t anymore.

    Liked by 1 person

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    • bone&silver says

      Thank you so much for sharing your personal experience of different types, that’s great, and so valuable for me. An open mind is good 😊
      Thanks TJ 🙏🏼

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  10. Widdershins says

    Oh FFS … jump her bones already!

    Stop overthinking it! You’re not at the getting married stage. You’re at the jumping of bones stage.

    Go turn up on her doorstep with a bottle of wine and wearing a coat with nothing underneath it!

    You don’t have to be Araldykes for a relationship to work (is Araldyke still a thing there?)

    Mrs Widds and I are about as different as two women can be. What makes it work is we communicate.
    Here’s how we work … we don’t actually spend much time doing the same things. Even in the same space we’re mostly doing our own thing. We come together for ‘chats’ where we’ve usually stopped whatever we’re doing and share a cuppa, catch up on whatever we’re doing that needs to be shared, then we go do our own thing again. Sometimes we share a meal, but most times we don’t but the meals we do share are prepared with love and attention. She’s a morning person and I’m soooo not, so we meet up in the middle of the afternoon … you get the picture. Which makes the times we are together more vibrant, more meaningful.
    It works for us BECAUSE (had to use caps, can’t italicise) we’re different.

    Liked by 1 person

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    • bone&silver says

      Ok, I was waiting for your comment and advice Widds, thanks. Yes, all good points and suggestions 😊
      There are a few complications I didn’t mention, like slightly messy exs, and a child, and health issues… I absolutely want to jump bones, but I want them to be good fun bones, not too complex or drama-soaked ones.

      Thank you for sharing how your connection works- I love hearing stories like that. And yes, being attentive, vibrant, and meaningful is what I’m after, which is not always offered in fun flings. I just need to get clear about what I want, and what’s being offered. *sighs
      Thank you for your support as always 🌈❤ G

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      • Widdershins says

        Have the two of you talked about the ‘lovers’ option? That might help with the ‘what’s being offered’ bit of your dilemma. Time to take a deep breath and lay your cards on the table?

        Liked by 1 person

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        • bone&silver says

          *takes a deep breath
          Yes, good point again. We kinda have; another discussion would be good, but then again I was trying not to get too ‘heady’ and controlled about it *rolls her eyes at herself
          Thanks so much Widds xx

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  11. Dewy says

    Opposites attracts 😍 you’ll have fun. Absolutely go for it . Worse comes to worse it’s going to be a bonfire 😂 better a bonfire than a tiny flickering flame.

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  12. Matt Berger says

    I dunno, maybe you were attracted to her because she is attractive?

    So long as you are not rebounding, just enjoy (says the dude with “analyst” on his business card).

    Ahh, what do I know, rebound away…

    Liked by 1 person

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  13. heartbreathing says

    Hmmmm, since you ask (and why do you?) I’m wondering what Dan ( Savage that is) would say, but then again I don’t think this would ever make it into his column. What is the real question here? Do you want permission or heed warnings from your readers, or has the journey of the heart and desire now become a blogging adventure? I think that would be sad. We’ve become a society that has traded personal privacy for institutionalized secrecy. Call me old fashion, but deep in my poly heart I believe, that whatever 2 people feel for each other or do in their intimate time, is exclusively their business. It is one of the last strongholds of personal pivacy.
    And this tender holding is an important aspect of our jouney into these new and unchartered waters.
    There are some exceptional examples where this personal journey of the heart became performance art, Mariana Abramovic comes to mind, but as moving as intimate public displays are, I wonder at what price they come? From my garden I know that small plants need fencing, mulching and a lot of water, in order to get off to a strong start.
    OK so love and attraction are as rewarding as they are scary, welcome to another addition to the long list of complaints to God.
    I suggest you take it up with her, stop blogging, do whatever it is that you do( live it, love it, and fear it) and if you choose to or feel you need to, I would share my heart face to face with my close friends.

    Liked by 1 person

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    • bone&silver says

      There are so many good points here I barely know where to begin, THANK YOU. You’re right: I almost didn’t publish this post, but I certainly didn’t write it just for the blogging adventure of it. I genuinely feel like many of my readers are my friends, with unique perspectives I value, so reaching out felt natural, especially as they supported me so deeply through my break up and recovery. I am indeed going to take it up with her directly; there are more issues than I’ve written here, on both sides. My main focus lately (as you know) are Attachment system habits, and they are so deeply ingrained that it seemed smart to get some feedback on what could be going on, in case it was obvious to others beside me. As a writer and an artist, expressing myself creatively feels almost like my duty, and if I help one person gain insight or reflection due to knowing of my struggles, I’m happy. As ever, I so value your input and perspective, thank you so much A xx

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  15. Monique says

    Ahhh, attraction and attachment…sometimes it’s hard to see the trees for the forest in the dating game. And who am I to comment?? So putting my personal hat aside (as though that is possible) and doning my professional cap…what comes to mind is this…

    The purpose of dating has two sides to it. Firstly, getting to know one another. Slow things down, enjoy the fireworks, find out what you have in common, look for signs of her attachment style, remembering that we each have bits n pieces of all of them but tend to have a default also. This is not to be used to analyse and decide to stay or go, but more to look deeper beyond the attraction. What does she need in a relationship to both keep her safe and to grow into her dreams? Do you have the capacity to meet the needs of her particular adaptations to love? These are big questions and take time to discover.

    The other purpose I think is to see if this wonderful woman who breaths excitement into your very existence can meet your particular attachment kaleidoscope and needs. Can you show her your vulnerability? Can she hold it with the care of holding a new born baby? Does she show curiosity and want to know more about you, your experiences, your values? Does she support your ideas and dreams? Can she give you the freedom you need to flourish in the world? Can you truly be your vibrant, broken at times, creative, juicy, playful self? Can you communicate your heart’s desires, or do you at times clip your own wings so as not to ‘be too much’ or whatever old pattern may be stuck on replay.

    I love that you are intent on staying conscious in this process. I don’t think it’s about the mismatch of attachment styles as much as I used to, I now think it’s about understanding theirs and yours so intently that you transcend the old push pull dynamic that can erupt when we hit one another’s sensitivities and wounds. This only comes from the intention to grow, the intention to experience true love…not just have a good time.

    Wishing you an abundance of the kind of love that transforms lives ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

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    • bone&silver says

      OMG Monique, you just won some sort of prize for the most incredibly helpful, timely, and inspiring comment! Thank you so much for investing the time and effort to articulate that, you’re very kind (and fucken smart).

      I’m actually moved to tears this morning reading it, as the clarity it brings to my situation is such a relief- BLESS YOU. You’ve pretty much hit every single nail on the head, and now I feel like I have fresh eyes to move forward with, albeit slowly.

      I think the ‘comet’ energy she brings is actually in ME, as I burn off old habits of having a good but superficial time, keeping myself safe… so I still don’t know what will happen with her, but I am obviously getting closer to the abundant, transforming true love I can finally admit I want. ❤ xxx

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  17. V.J. Knutson says

    I asked my psychologist once what attracts drinkers to non-drinkers (I inadvertently married an alcoholic). Her response was someone to care for them, take on the responsibility. Just be careful.

    Liked by 1 person

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  18. Unleashing the Cougar says

    I am feeling the excitement of unchartered territory and the natural endorphins of possibility! Love this bit: “…before I finally asked her if she had a girlfriend (my middle name is clearly ‘Direct’).” So many good comments already. Go with the flow and try not to overthink too much.

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  23. Ali @StyleSaVie says

    There is clearly a connection and when you feel it… that’s something to explore. It doesn’t have to materialize into something permanent, but it may be a chance to explore someone who pushes your boundaries, or that she may be the antithesis to what you previously had. I definitely gravitated to people (after a breakup) that were ‘not my usual type’ – because I was looking to break patterns. You are so self-aware. See where it goes and keep checking in with yourself!

    Liked by 1 person

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    • bone&silver says

      Thank you for this insightful comment, and for joining in the discussion, I so appreciate it 😊
      You’re so right: I do have a few patterns I need to explore/shift/break, and this particular person has a spectacular capacity to burn through barriers… 🔥
      So for however long it lasts, and whatever the outcome, it feels like I’m already tangled in her comet tail, and ready to fly 🌈 G

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  24. DFMGhost says

    I can tell you being 41 and sensible sucks, so 51 probably sucks too! 😂 We are weird creatures. We are attracted to people we don’t expect. Live it, don’t push it. Go at the pace that feels right but don’t let the differences scare you. If they are not forced on you, I don’t see a problem.

    Liked by 1 person

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    • bone&silver says

      Lol, yes, it kinda sucks!! I’ve always been sensible: responsible older sister syndrome 😐
      It definitely feels like time to break out a bit, or maybe a lot!?? We’ll see; I’m very good at “taking care of me”, but it seems like the Universe wants me to let a bit loose… 😘
      Watch this space xx

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  25. ForgivingConnects says

    Oh Gabrielle, I’m so glad you met someone. Whether or not anything happens with her, you know you can open your heart again. Maybe just lean into next steps with her, knowing that you can – and will – take care of yourself? As long as you commit to doing that (taking care of you) it seems like you may benefit from doing something differently…and observing what happens.
    What do you think?

    AND, tune into your heart, listen deeply, and take the time to be with you.
    Lots of blessings! Looking forward to seeing how it goes.
    Love,
    Debbie xo

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  26. Jad says

    I am so late reading blogs I do not know where you are at with this but my thoughts are enjoy the adventure and see where it takes you!!

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