All posts filed under: Love + Dating

Online dating adventures, plus love & relationship lessons

The 2nd heavy rock in my heart: no more long distance relationship

Yesterday, after exactly 15 months of loving romance, and 18 months since we first met online, I posted a parcel back to ‘H’. It held a few things, but most importantly our ‘connection ring’. I had to get it out of the house. Because a month ago, after ‘H’s last visit for Valentine’s Day (which was wonderful), things went pear-shaped, and despite our love and care for each other, we simply couldn’t get ourselves back to a place of unity. I’m so sad. We both are of course.  But I have to keep writing here as part of my process, thus ‘H’ has unfollowed the blog. I’ve been dreading articulating this, as it makes it all the more real. I’ve definitely just had the most wonderfully unique relationship of my life; being met on a creative level was profoundly satisfying, and ‘H’ was the sweetest, kindest person to spend intimate time with. I regret not one second. Despite the painful disagreements, and the challenges of distance, I am utterly grateful for every lesson, every joy, …

Me Monday: The big reveal, for our one year anniversary

So, regular folk round here know I’ve been dating ‘H’ for a while, with both of us shuttling back and forth between Melbourne and home (near Byron Bay, Australia) once a month. We chanced across each other online, then spent three months emailing or texting, plus exchanging stories and hand drawn comics; we never spoke on the phone. Finally, we met at noon outside Flinders St train station, an iconic Melbourne landmark. And the rest, as they say, ladies and gentlemen, is Herstory. If you’re really keen, you could revisit or explore these past posts: Episode 2: ‘Yes Lets’ Episode 4: Multiple choice Episode 8: Best thirty bucks I ever spent We’ve just had our one year anniversary, where we recreated our first date exactly, meeting at the train station, going for Japanese lunch, wandering the streets of downtown Melbourne, then returning to the dusty second hand bookshop where we had our first shy kiss. So cute. And we agreed it was time for the big reveal, so here we are, standing at Flinders twelve …

Remember our 3 Dwarves of relationship attachment? Meet the 4th: ‘Diffy’

I’m not a relationship guru by any means. Aged 51 now, and still never married, nor wanting to be. The longest relationship I’ve had is approx 3 years, with a whole bunch of quick romances and much solo time in the mix. But this last year has eased change into many of those old patterns like a soft new thread, specifically after reading Levine’s ‘Attached’, and ‘The Course of Love’ by Alain de Botton. Plus meeting ‘H’ too. (If you’re new round here, you probably need to read THIS to catch up). I’ve been studying relationship dynamics, specifically Attachment Theory, as it casts so much light into dark corners I’ve been hiding from since being a young girl, which I’m also exploring in therapy and other reading material. One of my favourite posts on bone&silver is The 3 Dwarves of Attachment: Grumpy, Stressy & Happy ; well worth reading to get you up to speed on our three main attachment styles (Avoidant/Anxious/Secure), with clues as to which one is yours. I believe I’ve done an honest job …

relationships, online dating, raising a teenager, over 50, positive ageing

Is it a pothole or cliff? Measuring the drama of your argument

Main Attachment styles: Anxious, Avoidant, Secure Most regular readers know I had a Bumpy time with ‘H’ on the last interstate visit, and you were all so supportive and encouraging, many thanks. Long distance relationships can be a challenge indeed. It took a lot of patience not to have an immediate, dramatic reaction myself, and now that we’re all snuggly and cute again [phew!], I’ve been reflecting on how it felt as it happened. As I previously wrote HERE on ‘Bread & butter vs death’, there is a biological reaction to that disagreement with your beloved. Once triggered, your attachment system will flood you with the stress hormones adrenaline and cortisol. It takes approximately 20 minutes for your body to process and dilute these chemicals to return to normal, (a little longer for men), so going for a walk or taking ‘time out’ is actually a fantastic idea. But what’s actually caused the triggering? In a nutshell, a serious argument is received as a threat to our safety. I’m not talking about the simple ‘bread & butter’ …

“Roses are red/Violets are blue/Online romance update:/I’m so glad that I met you”

Dearest H- I know you love these ‘Cinnamon Sweetie’ buns, dontcha? If I’d met you at a party somewhere, I’d have seen that you too wore a thin but effective layer of protection, like a brown paper bag. I’d have noticed it was fragile, yet also strong. I’d have wondered what hid inside. But now I know. Or rather, I’ve begun to discover. And thus we continue to unravel each other, past the thin edges, sometimes a bit burnt, or a little brittle. Circling round, through the spices and sugar, with the odd grain of salt. Spiralling closer, moving deeper in. Slowly but surely, just like a Snail likes. 1 more sleep; see you at the airport xx [The story so far: Met online. Emailed and sent comics & stories back and forth for 3 months Texted, but no phone calls (although we did send various selfies) Met outside Flinders St train station in Melbourne, Dec 21 Have been flying to see each other approx once a month ever since, for 5-6 days The longest gap …

Long distance relationships Part 2: ‘Am I in a catapult?’

The thread between us HERE Part 1 regularly stretches 1600kms. Then it reached 17,000kms while I went to France and the UK. It spiralled in and relaxed on itself while we curled together in my home & wooden bed; now our 5-day date is over, and the 1600kms are back. Plus an extra 1000 as I’ve been flown up to tropical Cairns to walk on stilts for a weekend festival. I’m feeling a bit wobbly from all the movement, all the to-ing and fro-ing. From all the fantasizing about the next long date to come (late Sept), and various future possibilities we’re both curious about (“One of my best friends lives a couple of hours drive away from you- perhaps I could spend 6 months staying there/Maybe we could both move to the same city next year, or the year after…”)? Being in love is delicious, intoxicating, and addictive! Hearts swell like the cherry tomatoes in my garden; minds expand; souls dance. Energies entwine like pumpkin vines, sprouting determinedly wherever they can, winding themselves tightly. …

1 more sleep till we leap

I’m so excited I can barely work, nor compose blog posts. But a dear reader just sent me a link to Elephant Journal, and this extract says it way better than I can right now: “We’ve all heard the quote, “Can’t live with them. Can’t live without them.” True love for me is the opposite of this saying. We know that we love someone when we can live with them and we can live without them. There’s something about love that overcomes distance and space…” “When we love, we feel an astounding sense of safety. We allow this person to challenge us, to help us give birth to the best version of ourselves. And this evokes a happiness that we can’t easily measure…  Love is a series of leaps of faith. We jump, knowing that not doing so will leave us with pain and regret. And with every leap, we trust that we will not fall.”   Safe travels H, and see you at the airport xxx