All posts tagged: humor

Treat me like a pin cushion if that will help

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Jetlag recovery? Tick. 100% gratitude to be back home in Australia? Tick. Delighted cat and reasonably delighted-but-still-cool teenage son? Tick. Bullshit lung infection which had me sleeping almost sitting up for three nights then coughing my chest inside out for almost a week? Goddam tick. I AM SUCH A BAD PATIENT. As in, totally IM-patient. Don’t come near me; don’t sympathise with me; don’t tell me I’ll be better soon; don’t tell me about your neighbour who had it too, and how long it lasted, or the worst cough you ever had… Just leave me alone to wallow in my pathetic, grumpy, spoilt-brat sick bed, and give me a wide berth until further notice. Unless you’re my acupuncturist of course. In which case, I want you to come back early from your much-deserved holiday, and stick every single needle you have into every possible meridian point, all over my body, even if they grab or make me wince, and please just help make me better. Thanks. [The illness has actually shifted now, but this petulant rant …

On driving 6 hours West just to discover who’s the boss

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I love my part time job, travelling to festivals to perform and entertain. The work is erratic though, so every gig is a financial bonus, rather than my bread-and-butter income. I enjoy the adventure of being on the road, staying in weird and wonderful rooms, or sometimes a billet with a friendly local. Last weekend, my employer/very dear friend ‘W’ and I drove almost 6 hours west of the most easterly point of Australia, over the mountainous dividing range to Bingara, ‘The Gem on the Gwydir’. We were performing at their iconic ‘Orange Festival’, based around the annual harvesting of the orange fruit planted to commemorate the dead local soldiers from WW1 and 2. ‘W’ and I hadn’t seen each other properly for a while, so we talked non-stop almost the whole way there. The road got very winding up through the ranges, with sharp corners slowing us down to 45 or 35kms at times. If I hadn’t been driving, I’d have thrown up for sure. We checked in to our [shared] room at the …

Teenage Tuesday: Being 51 (going on 15), & retiring to bed alone with wet hair

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Me *yawning at 6am: Did I just catch a glimpse of someone utterly dishevelled reflected in the kitchen window? Me: Yes, you did. It’s me. Me: But… what the hell happened? I just went to bed peacefully after my bath… Me: … with wet hair. Me: Oh yeah, that’s right. Is it bad? Me: Definitely. Take pictures as evidence for later once you’ve found your glasses and woken up a bit. Me: Great idea.  

No beanie? No problem!

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Got up super early. Went for a walk. Powered up and down then back up the hill. Felt hot and sweaty apart from my cute little ears. Came back home, realized I’d lost my beanie (woolen hat), and those precious ears were aching… so got creative with my sleep mask: Am I an idiot? Possibly. But one with warm ears, that’s for sure 😊 Do you think this could catch on? Have I got a viral chance?? And what have you ever adapted to meet an urgent need? Have a fab weekend everyone, G xO

Hello old friend, Online Dating. You are fun, but you make me cranky too

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So yes, single again, healed again, ready to launch myself into the love trenches once more. I started online dating in 2009/10, and do consider myself a bit of a legend at it. BUT, and this is a big but, why have other people not gotten better at it over these years? What’s the matter with people?? Where are the simple manners, the initiative, the actual reading of the profile where it says “Don’t message me if you’re in America”? *sighs I guess there’s always new folk finding themselves divorced or lonely, and heading online rather than to the now-defunct singles bar- does anyone over 50 actually go out anymore, cruising clubs? Anyway, no matter who I’m messaging with, male/female/gender-fluid/non-committal etc, PLEASE follow these 3 simple rules: Actually read my profile- I spent ages getting it clear, concise, and appealing, plus articulating boundaries: no one from overseas, interstate, or currently looking for a serious monogamous relationship. Also, I don’t love sport, nor eating animals; no need to read between the lines there, JUST READ THE DAMN …

Teenage Tuesday: ‘I see you did a Teenage Tuesday post…’

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Me *spluttering defensively: Where did you see that? Him: It doesn’t matter does it? Fact is, I saw it. Me *squirming uncomfortably: Yes, but- but- I didn’t write about anything you actually said… Him *staring at me firmly: True, you didn’t. Me *blushing guiltily, awaiting my punishment. Him *after a VERY long pause: It was funny actually. Your writing was good. I enjoyed it. Well done Mum.   [The post in question is HERE. ]  

Teenage Tuesday: “Managing your finite power, with Top Ten Tips for self care”

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Over 40? Noticing you have less energy than you used to? After almost 6 years of detailed observation and study, here are this Mum’s Top Ten Tips for returning to the boundless power of your youth: If you open a drawer or cupboard door, don’t close it; imagine how much effort you’re saving. If you can’t find something, DO NOT search for it; call out loudly for its whereabouts, and miraculously someone else will know exactly where it is. When you take the lid off the toothpaste, UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCE replace it. Minimize all cleaning/tidying/sorting activities as soon as possible- it’s best to urgently install a house keeper and butler to ease those daily needs (see #1, #2, & #3 above). Maintain an intense focus for hours on surfing clips, music videos, and occasional computer games, but REFRAIN from studying too much, it’s bad for your eyes. Practice the ability to party all night in 4 separate locations, then sleep half the day [*see Footnote 1 below]. Maintain an unrealistic view of all financial activities …

Teenage Tuesday: Ssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

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’17’ has been at his Dad’s a lot lately, so I’ve had minimal fodder for our fabulous [still temporarily banned] Teenage Tuesdays… but negotiations are ongoing… all fingers are still crossed… this blog needs a cheery boost… and he’s coming back here tomorrow, so I’m feeling hopeful! Stay tuned… love Mama G xO And if you don’t know what I’m talking about, cos you’re new round here, or you missed it, you gotta read THIS still temporarily banned post : )