The Scene: Palm trees swaying, blue sky shining, ridiculous rainbow-coloured birds squawking, plus me, dozing in bed in Australia, in that moment before being fully conscious.
Me: Mmmmmmmm, I think I’m awake.
Evil Elf Who Lives In My Brain And Synced To My Smartphone (now known as EVIE): What time is it? Better check your phone.
Me: Nah, today’s Sunday, and I’m having a tech-free morning.
EVIE: What!? When did you decide that?? Dumb idea. Just check your phone.
Me: No. I’m simply going to lie here, listening to the birds.
EVIE: How hot d’you reckon it is? Maybe you should check the weather app?
EVIE: Maybe you got a late text from ’17’, and he needs picking up soon? Or what if ‘H’ sent something romantic/sexy first thing?
Me: True. But they’ll still be there after I’ve had a pot of peppermint tea and meditated. I just want a peaceful tech-free hour.
EVIE: An hour! But… but… don’t you need to check your WordPress stats?
Me: Nah. It’s Sunday, and I want to practise ‘letting go’ of being attached to numbers.
EVIE: It’s nice lying in bed reading all the latest blog posts though isn’t it? We could just do that for a while. You know, touch base with our blogging community…
Me: Yeah, but I do that every morning; I want to create a new habit one day a week.
EVIE: BUT WHY??? Think about what you’re missing out on! You’re not gonna have time to check them later, so you’re gonna have to skip the most amazing posts EVER, and then you won’t know what’s going on with everyone any more, which means they’ll lose interest in YOUR blog of course cos they’ll think you don’t really care…
Me: [*sighing] Shut up EVIE. I just want to drink tea, meditate, and stroke the cat.
EVIE: What if Krista’s put you on ‘Discover’ for that great post you did last week? You might have 500 new Followers.
Me: Haha, I doubt it. One day maybe, but not yet. Now, I’m bringing my tea back to bed…
EVIE: What if that volcano in Bali erupted? Or Trump has fired at North Korea? Shouldn’t you check in with the rest of Society, instead of staying ignorant? You can’t sip tea while the world ends!
Me: [*sighing] Well I’ll find out soon enough won’t I? I need to meditate first.
EVIE: Don’t you need your phone for that? You know, so you can set the timer and do it properly? It would be SO EASY to flick it off Airplane mode first, and have a quick look at everything… #justsayin’.
Me: SHUT UP! This has gone on too long EVIE. I’m NOT going to check my phone OK? Just deal with it. I’m going to relax, relish my tea, and look out the window; then I’m meditating for 20 minutes…
EVIE: Meditation huh? When you try NOT to think about things…
… Things like smartphones and texts from your lover and how your son is doing and how hot it’s going to be today and if the world is going to end and what can you do about the damn Patriarchy and why is your neck feeling a bit sore is it too much work on the computer and how hard is it to just relax and be ‘in the moment’ and do you think you’re addicted to the dopamine that comes from using social media and how fucked is that but everyone’s doing it so it’s the only way to stay in touch nowadays and letters take 2 weeks to get delivered sometimes even to Melbourne and how did anyone do ANYTHING before we had the Internet and this will be good to write about on my blog won’t it cos it’s kinda funny yet sadly true and readers will hopefully relate and maybe I should check my stats as soon as I finish cos that last post was pretty good and what should I call the voice in my brain let’s go over a few possible titles and remember that Russell Brand comedy sketch where he had the voice of an Evil Elf in his head it was so funny and you used to do the voice in the car with ’17’ except he was about ’12’ then wasn’t he that’s probably perfect because goddamn it’s annoying, corrupting, and totally EVIL…
See you soon gabrielle, real soon. Love, EVIE xxx