Me: Honey, I’m going to cook all your favourite foods for these 2 last weeks of your exams OK? Any requests? 18: Great Mum, thanks! Veggie lasagna… nachos… tofu laksa… oh and your apple & rhubarb crumble for dessert, such a treat. Me: You got it babe. I’ll do anything if it helps you actually do some study. [Spends almost 2 weeks cooking (including exponentially improving fruit crumbles/washes up/wipes up/empties bins/feeds cat/does all remaining chores silently so as not to stress out revising son & various visiting ‘study mates’] Me (leaving for work): Can you save me some of today’s crumble please, it’s my best one yet? Me (returning from work a mere 3 hours later):
Me (in the kitchen): What are you doing Mum? Mum (in the garden): I’m twilting Me (wandering outside): What does that mean? Mum: Well, it’s a new word- it means moving things around in different shapes and sizes- that’s what I’m doing with the washing now Me: OK Mum, sounds good- I’d better write that down
On getting aboard a train to Exeter for the first time in a year- Mum: “Ooh, it’s like being on a train isn’t it?”
Me *yawning at 6am: Did I just catch a glimpse of someone utterly dishevelled reflected in the kitchen window? Me: Yes, you did. It’s me. Me: But… what the hell happened? I just went to bed peacefully after my bath… Me: … with wet hair. Me: Oh yeah, that’s right. Is it bad? Me: Definitely. Take pictures as evidence for later once you’ve found your glasses and woken up a bit. Me: Great idea.
So yes, single again, healed again, ready to launch myself into the love trenches once more. I started online dating in 2009/10, and do consider myself a bit of a legend at it. BUT, and this is a big but, why have other people not gotten better at it over these years? What’s the matter with people?? Where are the simple manners, the initiative, the actual reading of the profile where it says “Don’t message me if you’re in America”? *sighs I guess there’s always new folk finding themselves divorced or lonely, and heading online rather than to the now-defunct singles bar- does anyone over 50 actually go out anymore, cruising clubs? Anyway, no matter who I’m messaging with, male/female/gender-fluid/non-committal etc, PLEASE follow these 3 simple rules: Actually read my profile- I spent ages getting it clear, concise, and appealing, plus articulating boundaries: no one from overseas, interstate, or currently looking for a serious monogamous relationship. Also, I don’t love sport, nor eating animals; no need to read between the lines there, JUST READ THE DAMN …
Me *spluttering defensively: Where did you see that? Him: It doesn’t matter does it? Fact is, I saw it. Me *squirming uncomfortably: Yes, but- but- I didn’t write about anything you actually said… Him *staring at me firmly: True, you didn’t. Me *blushing guiltily, awaiting my punishment. Him *after a VERY long pause: It was funny actually. Your writing was good. I enjoyed it. Well done Mum. [The post in question is HERE. ]
At Home last Weekend Me: Can you wipe up please AN HOUR LATER Me: Sweetie, the wiping up needs doing AN HOUR LATER Me: Come on, I need you to wipe up and put away the dishes AN HOUR LATER Me: OK, I’m getting cranky now, I’ve got better things to do than nag you all weekend AN HOUR LATER Me: Put the washing up away, or there’ll be no dinner!
[While the negotiations with ’17’ re the continuation of ‘Teenage Tuesday’ are ongoing, I thought I could try this one instead…] That feeling when it’s 10am, already 32 degrees C (90 F), 100% humidity, and you’re cleaning the house energetically for the imminent arrival of your interstate love ‘H’, when you kneel on the floor to vacuum under the bed, and stand back up looking like this:
Me [checking WordPress stats]: Your ‘Teenage Tuesdays’ are without doubt my most popular posts. Him: That’s great Mum. Me: People love them- I get so many comments- they think you’re hilarious, they love you! Him: Wait, who are all these people? Me [bragging a little I admit]: I’ve got Followers all over America, in Canada, England, Europe in general, Australia too of course… nearly 650 now… Him: Hold on; I don’t know if I like all those people knowing stuff about me, and the things I say. Me: But… I… um… Him: It’s starting to feel like you’re just making notes about me to write on your blog; you’re not valuing sharing the funny moments with me, as they actually happen. Me: But… I… um… Him: And what does it say about your creativity Mum? You’re just quoting me. I thought your blog was about your life and viewpoint; surely using me and mine defeats the purpose? Me: Um… PAUSE Him: I don’t think you should do ‘Teenage Tuesdays’ any more, it’s not serving you.
Me: What are you going to do when you finish school at 18? Go to university? Or perhaps take a year off and go travelling…? Him: A year?? Mum, I’m taking a decade off!