dance, health, personal
Comments 29

Passing through the Pillars of Doubt, as they whisper

Obviously, we’re all writers here. And readers. Some of us are new bloggers, others have multiple thousands of Followers, free e-book downloads available, and perhaps speaking engagements on the Writers Festival circuit.

I’d love all those things, I’ll admit it. In fact, I want them. I do. I’d enjoy them, I’m fairly sure I’d be good at them, plus I love to travel and meet new people.

So why am I not there yet? I’m 51; I’m leaving it all a bit late huh?

Well here come 3 clear reasons…

Now regular readers of this blog know I’m a theatre performer and dancer. Not as in ‘Look-at-me-up-on-stage-doing-pirouettes’, but as in ‘I have to go worship on the dance floor to the goddesses and gods of Life, Love, Passion, and Release, using my sweat, tears, heart, body, mind and soul’- just your average free ‘n’ wild 5Rhythms dance class attitude.

Last weekend I did an Intensive: Friday eve, Sat 1-7, Sun 11-5. Lotsa dancing. I can’t believe sometimes that I find the energy and enthusiasm, but I do. It’s my regular spiritual practise, and I’ve written about it before HERE (which includes a kick-arse poem NOT by me) and HERE (which includes a video of me dancing in France) if you’re interested.  Please be interested.

card

I pulled this card when I got home on the Saturday

This one was called the Power of Intention, by Adam Barley from the UK. And in the last couple of hours of the last day, we did this, under his guidance:

“Make a group of 3. One of you is the traveller; the other two will be the Gateposts, or pillars that must be passed through, from the life you are living now, to the one you Wish for. This is not just a Wish for you, but also for your loved ones, and for the world.

Give your Gate Keepers 2 or 3 sentences which sabotage you/hold you back. They will whisper them over and over as you go through the Gates, so you can leave them behind, and let go their power over you…”

Well that’s not too confronting now is it? Vocalising my negative inner dialogue to 2 complete strangers, then having it looped over and over as I move slowly between them.

*sighs

But you know what’s more confronting? Writing them down on my blog so everyone can see them:

  1. You’re too lazy
  2. You’re not special enough
  3. There are too many other people doing it already, and better than you

I’m hoping I don’t spontaneously combust from writing that! Or melt into a muddy puddle of defeat and shame. But with all the terrible shit going on in the world right now, I figure I can shine a light into the shadows of my mind, and no one will really notice except me.

And You.

I also made a collage on the Monday, as per Adam’s instructions, and have been trying to look at it every day. It’s symbolic rather than literal, but a powerful reminder of my embodied experience of the intensive (with that card I pulled becoming the centrepiece):

collage

 

What do your Pillars of Doubt whisper? No pressure to write it down, but heed them for yourself, and imagine moving beyond them…

With love and compassion, xO

 

29 Comments

  1. My whispers would be similar to yours. I want a career change. I want to do something else but I’m scared. The feeling of not being good enough is always there, especially when everybody else seems to be doing better than me. I’m learning, I’m developing and I hope one day I will be able to do what I love.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh how I hear ya sister! Those voices are so strong, & society seems to reinforce them, especially for women who want to do something drastic. I truly hope you get to the right place, in the right time, & launch yourself into the New! Thank you so much for commenting ❤🙏🏼

      Liked by 1 person

  2. You’re infinitely beautiful, original , and amazing , and no one can dance like you or write like you and we so much need to hear from you !

    I’m 58 and I spent the last seven years walking through the pillars. Now I’m in the meadow and I can’t even recall the slander the critics whispered ! It’s a worthy journey , and the freedom is delectable !

    Liked by 3 people

  3. We all have an inner voice trying to smash down that wall we call self esteem, mine is fondly known as my inner bitch. Sometimes she makes perfect sense and helps me to come to an understanding of things and other times she talks a load of crap. The trick is to know which is which!!
    I love to write, I think I have a talent for writing. Am I good enough that others will want to read what I write??. Yes I think so. Will my topics interest everyone.? Absolutely not! Do I even care if people read what I write? Yes I do, but honestly at the end of the day I write for ME. Other people enjoying my writing is a bonus. I am currently writing my first book, I have paid for editing so my 8 years of trying to write a book is serious now. It is not without fear that I am putting myself out there. I will self publish on amazon for little or no money so I do not expect this to be a cash cow but I do know if nobody downloads my book, if I don’t get the response that I hope to get there will not be a book 2 so yeah, it is really hard to put yourself out there in such a way

    Liked by 1 person

    • Jad you’re so brave & determined, good on you 💪🏼💪🏼 I admire that completely 😊 And your attitude is wonderful 👍🏼
      I’m so glad you’re writing your first book, go Grrl 😃 xo

      Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks ShaneO. Haven’t done one for a while, but the process of making it was so deep & quiet that I’m hoping it all comes true… ❤

      Like

  4. As always, kudos for sharing.

    My pillars (and responses) are thus: 1. Nobody makes money writing books. (Demonstrably untrue). 2. Even if I get published, my book will interest nobody. (Epistemology 101–that is unknowable in advance) 3. This is just a BS midlife crisis to avoid REAL work (in two decades, at the best moments I never loved my “real” work the way I love this project; maybe THIS is the real work).

    For my own sanity, I have to believe that writing is like Field of Dreams. If you write something with clarity, passion and truth, they will come; content is irrelevant. And if they don’t…then I will try my best to enjoy the ride and move on to the next adventure.

    Like

  5. I’m currently looking for an adult dance class to join. I did ballet and ballroom in my teens, and know that it would really help with my fitness. Don’t think I’d have the stamina to do a session as long as you did mind! Also not sure if there’d be enough Tena Lady to cope…

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I struggle with this too. At 47 though, I went back to College and I graduated in 2014 at the age of 50, as a Graphic Designer. I still can’t get a job, but the experience of being a student for those 3 years was FAB! I would not have changed it for the world. And despite not managing to secure gainful employment, I have designed a book cover and it was published early this year. (The author, my friend, is a fellow blogger of ours here). My ultimate dream is to open a studio in Italy or Menorca, but it’s just a dream. 😊

    Don’t ever give up on your dreams though. Make as many a reality as you can. X

    Liked by 1 person

    • Wow, that’s awesome! What a great story : )
      My girlfriend is a graphic designer too, and trying to relaunch her career after 15 years off. I agree that following our dreams is SO important, especially as we model it for our children. Thank you for sharing your struggles, and I’m so impressed you graduated, well done!

      Liked by 1 person

      • I love that you dance. Unfortunately I couldn’t view the video, for some reason?, but I read all about it and it sounds great. I love dancing and joined a Zumba class last year thinking that it’d be a bit of a free-for-all, expressive kinda thing…and it so wasn’t lol. I felt like I was line-dancing the ‘Slosh’ to salsa music. I had NO idea that I was THAT uncoordinated. I want to find something that is free and loose and, well, you get the idea, I imagine.

        I gave up my career in art to raise my kids, so all-in-all I was outa the game for 20 years. With hindsight, I should’ve tried to get part-time or something, but having kids came with PND and I lost all my confidence. I gave it up without considering the consequences. After studying (well, during) I tried to find work, but my face well and truly does not fit now. I’ve felt bitter about it and mourn my old career which I adored, but it is what it is. I hope your girlfriend has more luck than me. I draw and paint still. I try to be positive about it, but it’s hard at times and I just want to give up….but I know I won’t.

        Sorry to go all blog-dicky on your comments. x

        Liked by 1 person

        • Thank you for sharing; there is much to mourn about having kids and losing our old freedoms and choices, just as there is also much to celebrate about the gifts and joys they bring. No need to apologise here : )
          And I think I’d be CRAPOLA at Zumba; look up 5Rhythms and see if there’s a class near you?
          Take it easy- remember we all have our doubts, fears, and losses xx

          Like

          • I’m good. I have doubts, fears and losses but I deal with them fine now…I’m a pretty positive bird. Looked up Scottish classes – was surprised to find there are 3 – 2 in Edinburgh where my eldest now lives (about 100 miles) and 1 in a village I adore, unfortunately still a good 50 miles or so away. Will stick to walking. 😊

            Liked by 1 person

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