Me: You really need to get a new battery for your smartphone honey, it’s very frustrating not being able to get hold of you sometimes.
Him: No Mum. I’ve decided I want to buy a cheap phone without internet facilities; I’m sick of being reachable in so many ways by so many people. And the social media just distracts me. Call me ‘The Backlash’.
His actual new phone: a simple but significant step against social media overuse #selfcare #wellbeing #teenager #proudmum #australia @boneAndsilver
For my first ‘Me Mondays’ post of 2018, I’m thrilled to share this short, bone-true story I wrote for the wonderful braveandrecklessblog, who I’ve linked to several times before. Trigger warning: loss of a loved one & grief. Thank you if you choose to read it, G xO
Why had my cousin rung me 5 times in thirty minutes? I returned my phone to airplane mode, and pushed open the classroom door. But during the lesson, my attention kept being pulled back to the call record, even while I taught; why was my stomach knotting?
The one hour dragged like mud, then I pressed redial.
‘It’s your Dad. He had a heart attack in Hawaii and…’
And is in hospital. Is fine. Will be fine. Or confined to a wheelchair at worst.
‘… and he died. I’m so sorry.’
Who took my knees away and punched me in the gut? Can I just curl up here and die on the street too?
A passing cyclist wobbles and stops. ‘Are you OK?’
No. Yes. No. I can’t share this pain with you, leave me alone!
Lying in bed that night, alone at home, with a silent waterfall streaming out…
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Happy New Year from the Neon Garden #HNY2018 #celebration #tropicalfruits @boneAndsilver
Hello Beloved Readers, and Happy 2018! I’ve missed you, but it was wonderful to give myself permission to unplug, letting the blog world responsibilities slide for a few days…
And now I’m tip-toeing back, with a relaxed smile on my face.
For I’ve survived another Christmas season. Every year I feel my anxiety start to climb mid-December, then welcome a huge sense of relief once the actual day is done. I think it’s inherited; somewhere there’s a classic family photo from the 80’s of 3 generations of us, opening presents on a dull English Xmas morning, while literally everyone looks grumpy.
I was very Australian on Dec 25: I went to the beach, slathered in sunscreen, and swam in crystal aqua water. My 2 friends and I sat in shade under trees, pledging to continue dismantling Capitalism & Patriarchy in 2018, then went home to siesta, because it’s so exhausting.
The performing life is not always glamorous: here I am in 2016 in 40 degree heat (104F), getting ready to go back up on stilts on gravel on hills (double nightmare) #performinglife #challenges #over50 #crazybutgrateful @boneAndsilver
New Year’s Eve was way more fun, mostly because I had my first one off for YEARS. Usually I’m on stilts somewhere, adding to the atmosphere, and staying in ‘work mode’ as we negotiate nightmare parking, heavy, sweaty costumes, and drunken crowds.
This year though, I was a ‘normal’ person. I relaxed during the day, had my requisite nana nap, and drove to a friend’s house to get ready. Crackers with dips, funky music, girly giggles- such novelty for me. Then I went to a big Queer and fabulous dance party, danced like a demon in my cute dress, gazed in delight at the midnight fireworks, yet was tucked up in bed by 2am.
A perfect end to a surprising year, and an auspicious way to welcome in the new one I hope.
Have you made any resolutions? I’ve made two important ones:
I’m gonna try this system for the next 6 months, then we’ll review it OK?
I hope I don’t sound too organised? I do reserve the right to drop all that entirely of course, if something dramatic happens, or if I start to feel too constrained or stressed by it. I’m experimenting with both discipline and play, to see if they can flourish together. Although if I get too many gigs as a Cloud for example, or being Red again in our kids’ show, I may just let it all float away…
But for now, here we go into bone&silver2018– and I’m so happy to have you all along for the ride.
In gratitude for the companionship, G xO
Performing as a silent Golden Angel, trying to remind everyone to be Kind, Present, and full of Empathy #over50 #theatreperformer #empathy #kindness @boneAndsilver
Hello dearest Readers, where some of us are already well into Xmas Eve, while some of you are still waking up into the beginning of it (time zones still amaze/confuse me).
I just wanted to share my one wish for this upcoming holiday season of both celebration and stress for many of us (I’ve never been a big Xmas fan, sorry).
Yesterday, as part of my performing work, I was a Golden Angel, walking on stilts in a local mall. The place was packed, with so many folk rushing from shop to shop, clutching handfuls of stuffed plastic bags, or wheeling whole trolleys full of them.
Slowly we walked along, smiling without speaking, merely ringing a tiny bell. And I was doing my goddam hardest to project and inspire Kindness, Care, Empathy, and Love.
I know gifts are fun, and can be meaningful symbols of love and connection; but don’t forget how valuable it is to have a truly deep meeting of minds and souls with your family members, especially if you don’t see them very often.
Performing as a silent Golden Angel, trying to remind everyone to be Kind, Present, and full of Empathy #over50 #theatreperformer #empathy #kindness @boneAndsilver
Many folk are actually alone at this time of year, estranged from families through choice, or consequence, and suicide rates are the highest. So if you are lucky enough to be with those you love, really BE with them: look into their eyes, tune in to their words and the messages beneath them, and ask them honestly how they’re doing in their lives.
Then listen.
Listen as kindly as you can; everyone struggles in this harsh world, and sometimes feeling ‘heard’ can be the greatest gift you will give. Plus a hug too.
I’m wishing you all a wonderful few days of relaxation and connection: with your family [of blood or choice], your friends, your neighbours & community. I also hope you connect with Nature, and with yourself.
I’m going to let go of this blog for a week or so, and unplug my wifi! But I’ll be back, and I can’t wait to hear from you all again soon.
In gratitude for Empathy, G xO
Me: What are you going to do when you finish school at 18? Go to university? Or perhaps take a year off and go travelling…?
Him: A year?? Mum, I’m taking a decade off!
This significant milestone just happened: 500 Followers (it’s actually zoomed up to 525 already 😃). It feels great, of course, as well as humbling, and thrilling. Thank you all!
What delights me the most, by far, are the comments; I can’t believe how engaged, generous, funny, observant, and honest everyone is; thank you again. I love that we all share our experiences and stories here; it feels like a genuine community or tribe. Bless you.
As I wandered round in a happy glow, with the screenshot of my official ‘500 Followers’ notification on my phone, I remembered the old days of having only 50 or so readers, back in 2015, before I decided to take this whole blogging thing more seriously in February 2016.
What tips could I have given myself? What could I have read, and put into immediate practice?
Here they are:
Having access to the internet, and the safety and time with which to write, are incredible gifts to be grateful for; don’t worry about your ‘numbers’; just express yourself, be kind to others around you, and try to leave this world a brighter place.
That’s actually my top tip for living, not just blogging.
This is usually how I answer all your comments: just woken up here in Australia, perched in bed with a pot of peppermint tea #beyourself #authentic #over50 #gratitude @boneAndsilver
In gratitude for all my Followers, G xO
A jar of native Australian flowers hand picked and arranged #nativeflowers #Australia #over50 #love #gesture @boneAndsilver
… And there are jars of flowers everywhere.
A jar of native Australian flowers hand picked and arranged #nativeflowers #Australia #over50 #love #gesture @boneAndsilver
Not fancy flowers. Nor fancy jars.
Just simple, sweet offerings, from the garden outside.
A jar of native Australian flowers hand picked and arranged #nativeflowers #Australia #over50 #love #gesture @boneAndsilver
So lovely.
When was the last time you picked wildflowers? For yourself, or someone else?
A jar of native Australian flowers hand picked and arranged #nativeflowers #Australia #over50 #love #gesture @boneAndsilver
In gratitude for the tiny gestures of love, G xO
Beach selfie #over50 #positiveageing #beachwalk #onlinedating #love @boneAndsilver
I’m not a relationship guru by any means. Aged 51 now, and still never married, nor wanting to be. The longest relationship I’ve had is approx 3 years, with a whole bunch of quick romances and much solo time in the mix.
But this last year has eased change into many of those old patterns like a soft new thread, specifically after reading Levine’s ‘Attached’, and ‘The Course of Love’ by Alain de Botton. Plus meeting ‘H’ too. (If you’re new round here, you probably need to read THIS to catch up).
I’ve been studying relationship dynamics, specifically Attachment Theory, as it casts so much light into dark corners I’ve been hiding from since being a young girl, which I’m also exploring in therapy and other reading material.
One of my favourite posts on bone&silver is The 3 Dwarves of Attachment: Grumpy, Stressy & Happy ; well worth reading to get you up to speed on our three main attachment styles (Avoidant/Anxious/Secure), with clues as to which one is yours.
Attachment Theory in online dating relationships and love, for Over 50s #love #dating advice @boneAndsilver
I believe I’ve done an honest job of blogging my attempts to move beyond my personal Avoidant style, and head in the direction of being more ‘Secure’; H and I talk about it fairly frequently, trying to bring our poor habits out onto the table. ‘Bumpy’ was a classic example, as well as ‘Is it a pothole or a cliff’ HERE.
But now it seems there’s another Dwarf to learn about! Introducing ‘Diffy’, which stands for Differentiation:
“Ellyn Bader defines differentiation as, ‘the active, ongoing process of defining self, expressing & activating self, revealing self, clarifying boundaries, and managing the anxiety that comes from risking either more intimacy or potential separation.’
Differentiation is crucial for partners to avoid compromising core values and beliefs, to work effectively with conflict/differences, to negotiate effectively, and to develop ongoing intimacy in a loving relationship… a partner needs to hold two realities–that of Self and Other. At times doing this means facing tension.” Ayla Garlick- Heart Matters
*Sigh. So basically, that uncomfortable feeling of realising you have completely different values to your Beloved around Christmas for example, or being a vegetarian, or liking reggae music, is actually a healthy sign.
To be able to rest in that discomfort, not rejecting them, nor trying to persuade them of the rightness of your views, is the fine art we need to cultivate as we move beyond the intense bonding and ‘sameness’ of the initial honeymoon period.
Which means after having a grumble to a smart friend about disagreeing with H over Xmas presents [for I’m the Grinch, I love it, and I ain’t gonna change], it was a relief to hear about Diffy, the Advanced-Relating Dwarf.
hand drawn comic #comic #bespoke #backyardcomics @boneAndsilver @positiveageing
It’s not as blissfully idealised as when we simply agreed on everything, floating along in a hazy bubble of rainbow endorphins and oxytocin, but I notice I’m enjoying the sense of still being ‘Me’, yet also being in love with someone amazing…
Does that resonate for you? Any examples of experiencing ‘differentiation’ that you can share here? Especially if you’re in a long term relationship, and can help all us dating ‘newbies’!
In gratitude for learning about Love, G xO
PS: See you soon in Melbourne H… 3 more sleeps… xxx
Over 50 and still ready to dance the night away #positiveageing #over50 #Australia @boneAndsilver
Remember that blogging expert I had a meeting with a while back? Gave me all those tips and hints HERE? She also suggested I use lots of hashtags around ‘self care’ and ‘positive ageing’, as I’m over 50, and that is apparently the current trend I need to ride.
I can do that. I’m definitely a health-orientated person, becoming a vegetarian at 21, and jumping on and off that wagon over the years. As most of you know, I dance, do Pilates, walk, don’t really drink, and love a good night’s sleep more than anything.
(Side note: Years ago, in a flash of inspiration, I asked my then-six year old son to describe me in a few words, as I was planning to use them for my first online dating profile on OkCupid… “Health food Drama Queen” didn’t sound as good as I hoped though).
Anyway, I’ve relaxed a bit in my old age, and after the stressful challenge of learning all those lines for our show a fortnight ago HERE, but having nailed it HERE, I decided to let my hair down at a local outdoor dance party last weekend… which is very sensibly aimed at the over 40s now, so goes from 2pm-9pm on a Sunday.
I wore my favourite jumpsuit, and flat shoes for dancing.
I prepared myself with carbs for lunch, then a big nana nap.
I arrived as the sting left the sun, about 5pm, and bumped into friendly faces straight away; before I knew it, I was dancing gloriously to irresistible tunes.
Which just kept coming and coming!
I had several dance buddies, most of us over 50, and somehow ended up bopping around on a long wooden table, concreted into the ground. I was there for a while, then decided I should share the glory, so hopped down onto the equally-long-but-not-quite-as-wide-bench beside it.
My mistake. I should have stayed on the table. I slipped off the bench, executing a fancy triple turn à la Michael Jackson [in my fevered mind], and corked my thigh on the edge of the afore-mentioned incredibly solid table.
Close up of thigh bruise from dancing on a table in Australia at an outdoor party #selfcare #over50 #positiveageing #fail @boneAndsilver
What could I do? The show must go on. So I got back on the bench and kept dancing…
Then watched this unfold as the week went on.
I gotta admit: I was kind of proud of myself though. I documented it for various unbelieving friends interstate, and ’17’, who begrudgingly admired it. Did you know there’s actually a hashtag on Instagram called #felloffatable? You’ll now see my pics there.
I kept thinking I would stop, but it became the highlight of my morning (life in a small country town in Australia hey?).
Finally, I just couldn’t resist sharing it with you all too. You’re welcome, and it was SO worth it; I danced non-stop till the final track, going home a very happy, tired party girl.
Close up of thigh bruise Day 3-7 from dancing on a table in Australia at an outdoor party #selfcare #over50 #positiveageing #fail @boneAndsilver
What about you? How have you injured yourself in the name of having a good time? Do tell!
In gratitude for super fun ‘self care’ fails, G xO
… Perhaps they were sisters, cousins, or just neighbourhood friends? Both blonde, only 6 or 7, dripping wet from the warm summer sea, wrapped in large striped towels, with matching bangles and pink toe nail polish.
They walked side by side, earnestly discussing the merits of using the cold water outdoor shower to wash sand off their feet, so I moved over to let them pass on the narrow track.
Sunset smiling for #marriageequality #Australia @boneAndsilver
They barely acknowledged me; too full of the adventure of a sunset swim, and being big enough to go to the beach by themselves.
I wondered what I looked like to them?
‘Old’ for sure, with my silver hair. Perhaps trustworthy? People often say I have a kind face and eyes.
I watched them giggle and gaggle off the sandy path, then turned up my music, so it blasted through my headphones.
For just before 6pm on Thursday 7th December, the Australian Parliament finally passed our marriage equality laws, and I had to dance.
Not for me; I’ve never wanted to get married, to man or woman.
Not for all the same-sex couples I know, some of whom have been together for over two or three decades, and some of whom definitely never want to get married.
#AustraliaSaidYes #marriageequality @MagdaSzubanski @boneAndsilver
Not for all the incredible grassroots warriors, who tirelessly campaigned for this human rights victory, stretching back to when homosexual sex was first decriminalised in South Australia in 1976, in 1990 in Queensland, and finally in Tasmania in 1997. That’s 1997, folks.
Not even for those who died along the way, may they rest in peace and love.
I wanted to dance for the future of those two little girls: one or both of them could turn out to be gay, and she now has as much right, power, and opportunity to do exactly what a straight little girl could do, after falling in love, and finding her life partner.
What a wonderfully liberating, egalitarian, and even romantic world to be growing up into.
We can get back to dealing with the gender pay gap and general misogyny tomorrow (see previous one-word post HERE on that subject), but for now, I gotta get my groove on!
In gratitude for the dance of Equal Love, G xO
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