Me *yawning at 6am: Did I just catch a glimpse of someone utterly dishevelled reflected in the kitchen window? Me: Yes, you did. It’s me. Me: But… what the hell happened? I just went to bed peacefully after my bath… Me: … with wet hair. Me: Oh yeah, that’s right. Is it bad? Me: Definitely. Take pictures as evidence for later once you’ve found your glasses and woken up a bit. Me: Great idea.
Two nights ago I submerged myself in a 2-hour film called ‘Breath.’ Based on the novel of the same name by Tim Winton, with his contributions to the screenplay, and voice-over narration, it washed through me so deeply that I didn’t even want to keep talking over coffee afterwards, but went home to float through the ongoing swell of watery images and sensations. My movie buddy asked me to articulate what I got from it, and I tried to sum it up in 3 main ways: An immersion in the uniquely-Australian, beachside surf culture of the 1970s (which I didn’t live), but which ’17’s’ Dad did, and to an extent ’17’ still does A reflection in the capacity to ‘lose oneself’ in one’s passion, as I feel when I dance, and yet also being more at one with yourself than at any other time. Also, seeing the stunning natural landscape- it’s set in Western Australia- and hearing the torrential downpours of a typical summer The crafting of the characters, where a simple sentence showed so …
So I’m back out there in the dating world, and quickly connected with someone local. Plus someone in Brisbane. And someone else fairly nearby. Go G! My profile is clear though: with my bruised heart, all I want is casual fun, a bit of exploring and play, and definitely non-monogamy for now. One person usually rises up above the rest, in terms of attention or connection; messages sometimes fly (or crawl) back and forth, and I totally go with the flow, without too much expectation if possible (the key to online dating in my experience). I like to be spontaneous, so if someone is free on the day (or evening) I am, I’m up for meeting- this is definitely easier when dating women rather than men, when I had to be more safety-conscious. Now, I’m only 3 months out of a serious, loving and important relationship, thus I need to protect my heart; I don’t want to sit at home grieving any longer, but nor do I want to fall in love or get too involved …
Remember the 5Rhythms dance weekend I went to at the start of May? Two of the other participants were women just turning 30; during a pairs’ exercise with one of them, I expressed my fury at the state of our world, and the dumb old white men who were still in charge and ruining it for all of us, especially the children (obviously I’m not always a light-hearted workshop participant with cold ears). She just fixed me with a look of complete clarity and certainty, then gave me the title for this blog post. I stared back at her, faced with the pure strength of her vision, and the commitment to back it up: she was just offered a PhD scholarship on international health issues for women, and recently returned from a year in Cambodia, working with child sex trafficking agencies. I saw myself in her mirror: an over-50s proud Feminist yes, but a jaded idealist, getting tired and cynical now as the world totters closer to environmental disaster… with Trump pushing the Doomsday …
My son ’17’ and I just sat down to the yummiest vegetarian nachos I’ve ever made (why was it so good?? I did the same as always) About halfway through the meal, we were talking about his plans for 2019, once he’s finished school at the end of this year (fingers crossed), when suddenly he asked me what I was going to do? *gulp I’ve no idea. Since he was five, and first started at that earnest Steiner kindergarten with the massive tree in the playground, and the cute soft toys with no faces, I’ve been making lunches and healthy snacks, washing uniforms, and cajoling homework demands… Thirteen years of school-based predictability and rhythm; everything dictated by the calendar of classroom timetables and holidays. Now the future stretches before me, and while I smile at the prospect of freedom, I’m also swamped with sadness at the end of such comfortable routines, and a mild growing panic at the arrival of the huge unknown. Why, I could do anything couldn’t I? Anything. Like, move to Sydney or Melbourne, …
As most of you know, my beloved ex ‘H’ lived in Melbourne, while I’m up near Byron Bay, so regular flights up and down were a strong pattern in our relationship. Since our break up end of Feb, I’ve been slowly but steadily mourning then recovering… and I just survived a huge test: I spent a long weekend in Melbourne with my best friend R, who lives there now. I will admit, it wasn’t easy. I was almost in tears at the airport before I left, knowing ‘H’ wasn’t going to pick me up. I felt really sad and flat, but of course could express that to R, who understood and reassured me. Thank goodness for wise friends hey? I had to battle myself almost every hour not to text ‘H’ (we’ve had pretty much no contact since agreeing we were through), and being left alone in my Airbnb was the most dangerous time… but luckily it was a quirky place, so there were a few items to distract me. R and I kept ourselves …
Got up super early. Went for a walk. Powered up and down then back up the hill. Felt hot and sweaty apart from my cute little ears. Came back home, realized I’d lost my beanie (woolen hat), and those precious ears were aching… so got creative with my sleep mask: Am I an idiot? Possibly. But one with warm ears, that’s for sure 😊 Do you think this could catch on? Have I got a viral chance?? And what have you ever adapted to meet an urgent need? Have a fab weekend everyone, G xO
So yes, single again, healed again, ready to launch myself into the love trenches once more. I started online dating in 2009/10, and do consider myself a bit of a legend at it. BUT, and this is a big but, why have other people not gotten better at it over these years? What’s the matter with people?? Where are the simple manners, the initiative, the actual reading of the profile where it says “Don’t message me if you’re in America”? *sighs I guess there’s always new folk finding themselves divorced or lonely, and heading online rather than to the now-defunct singles bar- does anyone over 50 actually go out anymore, cruising clubs? Anyway, no matter who I’m messaging with, male/female/gender-fluid/non-committal etc, PLEASE follow these 3 simple rules: Actually read my profile- I spent ages getting it clear, concise, and appealing, plus articulating boundaries: no one from overseas, interstate, or currently looking for a serious monogamous relationship. Also, I don’t love sport, nor eating animals; no need to read between the lines there, JUST READ THE DAMN …
Me *spluttering defensively: Where did you see that? Him: It doesn’t matter does it? Fact is, I saw it. Me *squirming uncomfortably: Yes, but- but- I didn’t write about anything you actually said… Him *staring at me firmly: True, you didn’t. Me *blushing guiltily, awaiting my punishment. Him *after a VERY long pause: It was funny actually. Your writing was good. I enjoyed it. Well done Mum. [The post in question is HERE. ]
It’s my Dad Lawrence’s birthday today– he would have been 83. We lost him suddenly 10 years ago this year. I miss him so much, & yet he’s still around somehow, which is awesome. I’m deeply grateful for the life I’m living now, which is his legacy to me & his gorgeous grandson, who’s soon to turn 18, OMG! I’m going to stay home quietly on retreat today, & oil his antique French furniture, the yearly ritual. Tonight, all across the world, his loved ones will be eating Indian food, his fav cuisine. With love & thanks for all the ongoing support you give me on my journey through this life, in good times & bad, or sad, like today, G xO (Photo is of his last live birthday in 2008)
bone&silver 